Jitni bhi inaaayat hai, meharbaani hai.

Jitni bhi inaaayat hai, meharbaani hai,
Chhoti si hee sahi, zindagaani hai.

Tere aate hi khil uthi thi bahaar
Gunah-e-shauq ki yehi kahani hai.

Hum jaakar bhi na jaa paye kabhi,
Apne dil ki tau hamne maani hai

Kuchh sard mausam ka asar hai dil par;
Aur phir hawa bhi tau barfaani hai

Tere hothon ko chookar jo lamha guzra;
Wohi lamha tau bas ik nishaani hai

Uske dil mein jitni mohabbat thee;
Aaj aakhon mein utna paani hai

Uska aana, aur phir ek baar chala jaana
Uski chahat mein ek rawaani hai


Augusr 28, 2006

Raat Bhar

Gham ka aalam chhaa raha hai is qadar,
Jee mein aata hai ke bhatke raat bhar.

Chaand dekha tau sukoon aane laga;
Wo akela, hum akele, raat bhar;

Yoon tau raaste mein kai ghar mile;
Uska ghar aaya na lekin raat bhar.

Rafta Rafta zakhm saare bhar gaye,
Dard badhta hee raha par raat bhar.

His so called life

Just revisiting what I wrote back few years ago, and remembering. A chicken hearted person always remain the same I guess. A chicken cannot become a lion, no matter how much he tries to mimic the roar.

His so called life

He is planning to write a small biography
and call it. An Idiots guide to desperation
While drinking makes it simpler to yell out,
An iron shoe would be better to kick
But.. to yell on whom, and whom to kick,
where all are his own, his own people, can he ?
He cant - sorry heart!, He cant hurt them anyways.
A chicken hearted idiot lives his 'so called life'

Afternote

Truth, as I see, does hurt, and it is hurting me, and it is ok I guess. I must trust words more than actions. Ok, none of us is too much into it anymore, atleast as much as we believed about each other. Just passing some good nice friendly and lovely moments.

Everyday is a learning day. We grow everyday. Today I grew another inch taller, with the understanding that I am drilling into my head. We all do not really mean what we say. What we see everyday may not be as true as it seems.

If I am overflowing, I would check the leakage in my head. Maybe put a cork on stop the overflow. Or maybe use an electronic flow regulator to ensure I don't overflow my thoughts.

Balance, is the key, and I will have less chances to fall. if I am as balanced as my counterpart on the other side of the see-saw. If I overdo, all shall fall.

But as of now, I do not intend to leave or be left.

Tomorrow maybe another story. I would live it when it comes.
Anyone of us can hop out of the see-saw, naturally.

The Evening

Today, I remember the small verse by Gulzar, that he wrote about an evening. Even my evenings sometimes pass like this, till my nightangle comes and announces the rise of the night.

What is an evening afterall? Just an orphaned phase of time, left behind by the day, or a filler before the night comes?

As Gulzar says it -

An Evening


Day abandons it
Night disowns it

A poet picks it up
threads it
into a poem;

but sometimes
it is barren,

so impotent
it gives nothing,
not even to the poet.

- Gulzar
----------

Most of my evenings have given me a night , but there have been a few evenings, that simply stayed with my sadness, just the way it was today. The night came and has gone away halfway, but the evening is still here, hanging midway, laughing at my madness.

Follow The Leader. - Ego Booster Session

Walking on the superhighway of life, sometimes I tend to be insensitive to the limitations of mediocrity. The frustration that hits me when I face mediocrity in people I have admired around me, takes a toll. I become doubtful about the originality of thoughts.

Wheel could have been invented only once, but it inspired a revolution that changed the world. Most people today hate to re invent the wheel, and would intelligently prefer to get the inspiration and invent something based on an earlier discovery. It does look like a smart move, but then even to get inspired, mediocrity needs a set of guidelines to walk straight.

Although I enjoy my capability to independently arrive at and understand concepts that would normally have to be taught by others, I must learn to understand that others who are around may not in tune with my thoughts. And with all the exercise to walk slower and be with people has only helped me to downgrade to mediocrity.

This is not really comfortable, and I need to speed up, even if I lead my fellow beings. The journey of my fellows to be my followers starts once again.

First Love

Just read somewhere

There is nothing holier in this life of ours than the first consciousness of love.

If it is so, then may it be that way. To disturbs the holy is not right. I don't think its right to stand in the way of first love.

Personally speaking, I do not even remember who was my first love. I have been loving and living everyone that came in my life, so I would never be able to pinpoint a first love. But I guess, I would definitely say that I have been lucky in love, almost always.

Men will be men. I loved to be in love, and hated to commit. I loved to give wherever I could, right at that moment, but without a tomorrow. A tomorrow, as I feel, hurts as hell. So I learnt to love today, without a tomorrow. But could I ever stop a tomorrow? No. Tomorrow always comes. Today is my yesterday's tomorrow.

But then, first love has its own set of desires, expectations and romance. It has a unique passionate scent of its own, spreading all over, lingering timelessly over many years.

Ye pehle pyaar ki khushbu,
teri saanso se jo aa rahee hai .............

Wish i knew more of this song, and this feeling too, but I cared so less about it that it definitely lost it.

Read somewhere else ...

"First romance, first love, is something so special to all of us, both emotionally and physically, that it touches our lives and enriches them forever." - Rosemary Rogers

Let this enrichment live and grow forever.

Kanpur ke joote - The shoes from Cawnpore ( As britishers said it )

Much before Independence ( of India ), britishers had known the quality of shoes made in kanpur ( They said - Cawnpore ). The shoes were strong, for army purpose, could be used for long time and were perfect fits without a pinch.

They also had another quality. They were used to hit the Indians hard who did not react to the gore saab as per his whims and fancies.

The localites of north India had a sher ( verse ) popular in themselves.

Kanpur ke joote, banaane ke sazaa;
Pehen ne se zyada, khaane ka maaza.

( The fun/punishment of making these kanpur shoes, is that even if we could not enjoy wearing them ourselves, we are enjoying the beating we get out of them )

In the words of Sahir,

Jo Taar Se Nikli Hai, Woh dhun Sab Ne Suni Hai;
Jo Saaz Pe Guzri Hai, Woh Kis Dil Ko Pata Hai.

( Everyone has appreciated the tune that the strings produced, but no one knows what the instrument would have gone thorough, when the strings trembled into melody. )

Sometimes I feel like questioning myself, why? But I guess I already have all the answers.

Why would someone take all the shit and still be with an open hearted acceptance, but isnt that way what love is?

Sitam ya karam husn waalon ki marzi,
Yehi soch ke koi shikwna na karna;
Sitamgar salamat rahe husn tera,
Yehi usko mitne se pehle dua de ...

I have seen it even before, years ago.

The accpetance comes from heart, and it defies all logic, all analysis.

Driving away, looking at the rear view mirror, where life passes by.

After a lot of days, I was alone again. Just with myself.

Many tiny moments from recent past came out of the closet, and urged me to do for a lone drive once again. As I took to the wheel, and geared the drive, it was the same usual feeling. One eye on the front road, where I need to go, and the other on the rear view mirror, where the life was passing me by.

Thoughts played hide and seek, wondering, why doesn't life have a back gear. Well, in a way its good that life cannot move back, else most of us would be simply moving from present to past and then to present, and so on, moving in circles.

Is there anything I would want to change in my past. Maybe.... Maybe not... Let me explore and find out a few things which were pure pain. Hmmm, thinking, this one, no... That one,.. errr no.. Guess that one.. No. None of them was pure pain. In fact the ratio of pain to pleasure was too much in favor of happiness. Guess, I would love to change nothing in my past, maybe, because if it would not have happened, I would not have been what I am today.

As I drove by, the rear view mirror zipped across a lot of tunnels of mind. The way in the front was much more fascinating; undiscovered, yes inviting. As evening approached, I reached a crossing with many ways, but this time it was easy to choose. Just pumped the accelerator to the one with a signboard that said BAR OPEN. This could be a new intoxication.

I would (try to) rest here for a while, and then move ahead.

Atleast I wish to... Move ahead.
So does everyone else.

The Kiss...

Holding your face in my hands, gently, yet firmly, when my lips meet yours, and my tongue gently slips inside your 'so sure' lips, the lips suck the nectar of love, our eyes close to feel the passion.

The soft and titillating bite that you do to my lips makes me curl my tongue around yours. Our tongues break free into individual identities and engulf each other into their own passionate lovemaking. Your lips firmly grip to mine, making a perfect 'made for each other' fit. Slowly, the juices flow and the tongue war gets heats harder and deeper to explore the inner self of each other. The sensuality of the tongue increases manifolds as my lips suck your tongue in my mouth softly.

The kiss goes on......

I should better get lost.

Get Lost.
I feel like telling myself over and over again. Get Lost.

No matter how polite life can be, it sucks.

I have been a great friend to myself, till I found a better one. And now that I have to be alone, I feel like telling myself to get lost, once again.

No one has the right to question me why I would get lost. Not even me.

I am fed up of making sand castles on the beach and seeing the washed away.

Guess, I should walk into the sea of people, and get lost in the crowd. I better get lost before my good days start and things start to turn my way.

Untraceble, Untouchable. Time to get lost, once again.

Sour Grapes - Looking for an Ideal Deterrent

The idea of having a deterrent clicked for a while. I am thinking about it now.

But the deterrent I was suggested was future related, and I have seen, time and again, that there is no future. I mean, no one knows how future turns, so matter what seeds we sow at times.

So I thought, what are the deterrents in the present times ( rather than future deterrents ) that can pull me back to the closet. Thinking about vices, as talked, can be a good deterrent. Just the way, the mention of cigar smoking helped as a temporary deterrent, I can start looking for points in the present and reality, points that are factually correct and not likeable, points that I strongly dislike, and they may have an influence on me to deter myself.

I need to align my eyes to see a different perspective, that is negative, in whatever attracts me. It is like when I see that juicy burger in the McDonald advert, I have to think of that extra calories it is going to pump inside me.

Maybe when I think of the passionate embraces, an automatic trigger should start reminding me of the fact that .... hmmm let me think what should deter me from that .... hmmmm ... aaaa... oooo... ooops .. Cannot think of a deterrent for this one. LOL.

But yes, looking into the negative points of what attracts me can help me the most to stop myself. I feel sure about this treatment of what ails me.

It is like thinking... You are bad, instead of thinking.. Why cant I get the best ......

Its like behaving like the fox in the 'Sour Grapes' story... Remember that one?

I got to list what's bad, ugly, stupid, horrid, negative in people that I feel are the best, beautiful, intelligent, brave, and very attractive.

A new approach.. Hope this one lasts... atleast till you get over the fox in me.

A Loser's Deal

I loved the deal, even If cannot do anything about it.

How practical can one get. Amazing.

Gimme what I want, and you get what you want.

Simple, Honest, Straightforward.
------------------------------------

To me, this deal sounded like -
Gimme what I want and then I would accept the attention you give to me. - LOL..

Like any other coward under the sky, I decided to duck and let the deal pass.

Let someone more worthy catch the deal.

I surely overdo things. That is what needs to be cured in my nature.

In the past, someone had said - Do not crowd me with your attention.
Six years later, I hear the echo again.

Anyways, I dont like working today, so would just go out and try out new things.

Things change on a daily basis in life.
Now a days, the sun sets in a different mood everyday , and rises from a different direction every morning. Recently, the sun was rising from the west. Guess soon, it would start rising from the south.
And moon, it flooded me with the soft moonlight for almost a month, without a break, and then ... boooom... gone out .
Look at the stars, what are they doing in the broad daylight? Are they not suppose to come at night? And why are they floating around my desk. LOL...

Guess I know what has caused it. Yes, the imbalance. But I know. it snot just me. I mean It WAS not just me.

Ramaiya Vasta Vaiya

Whom do I go and ask my questions? Guess, just myself.

These days, I am often asked that why I am so alive? Why do I have the urges to communicate. I silently wonder, how sinful it is to catch a handful of moments, when the day is passign away.

Why was I given so much of happyness and pleasure and why, just after that, I am asked, why do I need more.

Just remembered an old line... Maine jazbaat nibaahe hain usoolon ki jagah

I feel like a slot machine at a game parlour. Wanna relax, put a coin, start a timed play, and two minutes, ting tong, game up. Worse, sometimes, I am happy with this too.

This morning, I was walking with the old song 'Ramaiya Vasta Vaiya', and I guess it left me feel the flow, once again.

Somewhere in the middle it starts the bout of counter blaming.


Tu aur thaa, Tera dil aur thaa,
Tere dil mein ye meethi kataari na thee..

I feel someone istelling me that - You were someone else, and now you look different. So different. You did not have the sweet, shapr edged weapon, hidden in your eyes.

I felt like saying -

Aankhon mein thee pyar ki roshni,
Teri aankhon mein ye duniyadaari ne thee

--

Got to stop that sick blame game.
Got the lossen the strings
Got to let go ...
Once again....

BUT BUT BUT

Remember to take care of health.
Try to go to gym.
Go to the Doc.