Inveterari

Nothing looks interesting .. not even being alone

2007-09-24T21:41:00.000+05:30

Nothing seems to be interesting right now. nothing helps to take away my attention..

कोई सागर दिल को बहलाता नहीं।
बेखुदी में भी करार आता नहीं।

मैं कोई पत्थर नहीं, इन्सान हूँ,
कैसे कह दूं गम से घबराता नहीं,

Dont know when ...... maybe some more time...

It is getting darker. I do not see light.

बड़ी सूनी सूनी है,
जिन्दगी ये जिन्दगी,

मैं खुद से हूँ यहाँ,
अजनबी, अजनबी।

Why do I feel so alone, I have no reason to feel so.

No reason

No reason

Yet .... lonely.

जाने क्यों।

La persistencia de la memoria - The Persistence of Memory

2007-09-13T23:38:00.000+05:30

The Persistence of Memory is the famous 'melting clocks' painting by Salvador Dalí, It was completed in 1931 and is one of his best surrealistic works.

When I see it, it makes me feel even more relavant today.

Look at the way the time melts and droops ...

Another of Dali's work that I have liked is 'The person in the Window'. Today I was reminded of this paintiing when I heard a mention of watching out of a balcony, on a lone, peaceful, personally owned day.

This painting is .. amazing... spellbinding....

I am leaving this post half way.... as thoughts feel choked... Just watching.

Infinite Happiness - अनंत सुख

2007-09-07T23:50:00.000+05:30

Another night, another ghazal. Tonight, it is the voice of Begum Akhtar singing the soulful ghazal of Sudarshan Faaqir - Rone Na Diya. A classic in all aspects, Faaqir has penned the restlessness of those why cannot show out a tear. Those who cannot cry.

Many of us, so many times, feel like leting a tear down, letting the cry come out of the dry throat - but -- no. Not done.

इश्क मैं गैरत-ए-जज्बात ने रोने ना दिया।
वरना क्या बात थी, किस बात ने रोने ना दिया।

The hounour of the emotion did not let me cry; or what else could it have been that did not let me cry out. What stops me to shout out? Nothing - just the hounour of an emotion. What else - nothing.

आप कहते थे रोने से ना बदलेगें नसीब,
उम्र भार आपकी इस बात ने रोने ना दिया।

रोने वालों से कहो, उनका भी रोना रो लें,
जिन को मजबूरी-ए-हालात ने रोने ना दिया।

तुझ से मिल कर हमे रोना था, बोहत रोना था,
तंगी-ए-वक़्त-ए-हालात ने रोने ना दिया।

एक दो रोज़ का रोना हो तो रो लें - 'फाकिर',
हम को हर रोज़ कि सदामात ने रोने ना दिया।

--

Recalling another line.. somewhere in the mind...

Yoohin muskuraaye jaa........

I know all that my ears have heard is truth, bare and strong.
If I can take it well, then I would walk straight for long on the new path, else, I would see what I will do.

Afterall, we all have different destinations, just like paths.

What is mine? - My journey is my destination.

What next? God Knows.

And when it comes to my khushi?

Remebering some old line from what I read in my middle school...

मेरो मन कहॉ अनंत सुख पावे
जैसे उड़े जहाज़ से पंछी,
फिर जहाज़ पे आवे।

pigeonhole existence

2007-08-27T09:13:00.000+05:30

This morning, I feel my feet are cemented in my eternal living grave and my hands are stretching towards the sky. I want to break free. I know this is impossible. The only way I can fly is to chop my my limbs.

I feel too timid to cut of that piece of my flesh and blood which has a part of my soul in it, from my body. But I just cannot live the way I am living now. It is getting too dark everyday.
Its not that I don't have a sky to fly. It is that my life is so bloated with my fixedness that has been a part of my identity since ages. I have lived in a cave world, and I shall continue to do so, till my feet get freed. I am afraid, by then, it will be too late and I will have no sky left for me to fly. I don't know if my sky will wait for me. Guess... only time has the answer.
Depression is building up and so is my migraine. I have always said that everything is a phase and shall pass away, but I guess this phase I am into, will pass away only with my life. Another few decades to live this way. Once the birds will have wings, learn to fly, and shall fly off, I might too.

The day has started in a rotten way, and I don't know how the rest of it will go. In a few hours, I shall try to live a little more again, pumping fuel in me to work through my day. And then return to my pigeonhole existence. Just like a pigeon who closes the eyes believing that no one will see him.

ROFL

may i live as long as .....

2007-08-26T00:01:00.000+05:30

Was looking thru the pages on the net, looking for some old ghazals, and saw this one... by qatil shifai. Each couplet is said in such simple words, that it just seeps inside, making the feeling come out easily..

वो दिल ही क्या तेरे मिलने कि जो दुआ ना करे,
मैं तुझको भूल के जिंदा रहूँ, खुदा ना करे।

May sound a little exxagerrated, but the next couplet balances it out..

यह ठीक है नही मरता कोई जुदाई मैं ,
खुदा kisi को मगर किसी से जुदा ना करे

May no one ever get this separation, ever.
but i dont know will my life will be faithful enough ??

रहे गा प्यार तेरे साथ जिन्दगी बन के
ये ओर बात है मेरी जिन्दगी वफ़ा ना करे

May I live as long as the one .....

Desperation of circumstantial handcuffs

2007-08-19T12:26:00.000+05:30

दम घुटा जाता है सीने में फिर भी ज़िंदा है
तुम से क्या हम तो ज़िन्दगी से भी शर्मिंदा हें

Life is getting too suffocating these days.

There are times when anxiety breaks me down , and then there are times when my inabilities devastate me.

कभी बेकसी ने मारा,
कभी बेबसी ने मारा,
गिला मौत से नहीं है,
मुझे जिन्दगी ने मारा।

Everthing seems so normal, so nice, so good, yet, where is my peace, my smile, my happiness.

Muqaddar pe kuch zor chalta nahin
Voh mausam hai yeh jo badalta nahin

जब गम -ए-इश्क सताता है तो हस ले ता हूँ,

Thats all one can do, I guess.

Smile over the pangs of distance, laugh over the boundries, and mock over my own limitations.

Red Riding Hood with Casper

2007-08-08T11:38:00.000+05:30

Sometimes, a thought can be transformed into a visual that says just the right thing

nothing more.. nothing less.

One Tight Slap

2007-07-28T08:08:00.000+05:30

Time slapped me once again today.

It was my mistake and I have no choice but to take it.

I am being forced to do things which I would have never done by choice.

I was supposed to be happy today.

I am.

An afternote: Just read somewhere

In detachment lies the wisdom of uncertainty...

In the wisdom of uncertainty lies the freedom from our past, from the known, which is the prison of past conditioning.

And in our willingness to step into the unknown, the field of all possibilities, we surrender ourselves to the creative mind that orchestrates the dance of the universe.

a quote by Deepak Chopra

Goodnite 40

2007-07-28T00:13:00.000+05:30

Today, I am a loss of words.
Thoughts are flooding and I can hear only the gurgling sounds in my head.
So much to say - and everything stuck at the tip of my fingers, not passing to the keyboard.

Good Night 40.

Emptyful Yell

2007-07-26T13:38:00.000+05:30

Feeling too edgy today। too eager to yell, too much in bad mood.

Life is slowly developing that bitter aftertaste; the taste that comes for a long brewed, well brewed and well aged drink. The pungent flavor of experiences is taking over my nerves, slowly and unsteadily.

The sourness of time is hitting my throat with guiltless pain, something to live with, till life lasts. The neck is acting too flimsy and delicate, as if it is refusing to take the balance of head any longer.

The eyes hazily look across everything around, and roll back behind the eyelids; half open, gazing out to nothing.

The covers of happiness seem to be peeling away, and the sadness tearing its way through the wrinkled, broken skin.

गम और खुशी में फर्क ना महसूस हो जहाँ,
मैं दिल को उस मुकाम पे लाता चला गया।

Right in the middle of the day, the sun seems to be setting, moving down to the sea, making way for the empty hours, before the night darkens it further.

The mind is silent, stuffed so much that nothing seems to move inside.

Stuffed and jam-packed, with no scope of movement, like a train compartment full of unknown co-travelers.

My own face looks somewhat comfortably unknown, comfortably distant, to my own self.

The eyes are unfamiliarly dull, and the smile – where did it go?

Intoxify

2007-07-14T22:35:00.000+05:30

Remembering bachchan again today. No, not the senior or the junior one. The orignal one - Harivanshrai Bachchan. His words are resounding in the chambers of my heart, once again today. So, without any words of mine, I would let his words speak it ...

आज सजीव बना लो, प्रेयसी, अपने अधरों का प्याला,

भर लो, भर लो, भर लो इसमें, यौवन मधुरस की हाला,

और लगा मेरे होठों से भूल हटाना तुम जाओ,

अथक बनू मैं पीनेवाला, खुले प्रणय की मधुशाला

Tu Kya Hai - What am I?

2007-07-08T22:33:00.000+05:30

Ghalib met me once again today, while driving. Just put in the music and a ghazal filled the car.

I dont know when and why ghalib wrote these verses, and what he would have felt, but the feeling in not really unfamilier at times.

हर एक बात पे कहते हो के - तू क्या है।
तुम ही कहो के ये अंदाज़ ए गुफ्तगू क्या है।

Not to tough to understand, when someone tells me - What are you? and I simply wanna ask - Hey! is this a way to talk?

ना शोले में ये करिश्मा, ना बर्क़ में ये अदा,
कोई बात कि वोह शोख ए तुन्द खू क्या है।

[ बर्क़ - lightening , शोख ए तुन्द -the sharpness of beauty, खू - behaviour ]

रही ना ताकात ए गुफ्तार, और अगर हो भी,
तो किस उम्मीद पे कहें के आरजू क्या है।

[ ताकत ए गुफ्तार - Energy to argue ]

Me, Anand and Taj tonight.

2007-07-08T01:08:00.000+05:30

Was going to sleep, while switching channels and playing random numbers on the remote, and saw a familiar shot from yesteryears. Flipped back the channel and hey – this was Anand.
Anand – the movie that changed my perspective about life years ago. So much to learn, so much to feel and so much to understand. Yet, something I admired so much about it was the light hearted approach to adversities of life, is still something I have to learn.

At every stage of my life, I have enjoyed this movie, for different reasons. When I was a teenage kid, and I saw this for the first time on my black and white television, I loved it for the sheer pleasure of not so subtle, yet not so loud comedy. Very few movies have managed to stay balanced in comic moods. I enjoyed the concept to go ahead to talk to anyone you like, and if it clckks one could gain friends.
In the words of Anand – Koi accha laga, uss se do minute baat kii, aur kya chahiye, khushi mil gayi.

Right now, listening to its magical words ( by who else, other than gulzar )

छोटी बातें,
छोटी छोटी बातों कि हें यादें बड़ी।
भूले नहीं,
बीती हुई एक छोटी घड़ी,

जनम जनम से आँखें बिछायी,
तेरे लिए ही राहों में।

मैंने तेरे लिए ही सात रंग के सपने चुने,
सपने सुरीले सपने।

रूठी रातें ,
रूठी हुई रातों को जगाया कभी,
तेरे लिए,
बीती सुबह को बुलाया कभी,
तेरे बिना ही, तेरे लिए ही
दिए जलाये रातों में।

मैंने तेरे लिए ही सात रंग के सपने चुने,
सपने सुरीले सपने।

Just got the news on my sms that Tajmahal has been chosen in Seven Wonders of the world.
...... dreams unlimited.....
Got to see you soon - Taj. and this time - My Way.

A call from the core

2007-07-05T08:25:00.001+05:30

This doesn't seem to be myself.

Somewhere inside, a restlessness is raising its head again and again. Sleepless nights are only adding to my woes. I do everything to stay away from that downward feeling, but when it strikes, I see myself sinking deep into bouts of depression.

I feel like closed and caged, in a low walled cell full of darkness, where I cannot even stand properly, and I keep on scratching the walls, groping in the dark, looking for a door, a window, an opening.

Tired, it puts me to sleep.

As mornings come, I cling to the only ray of hope that visits me and cheers my day. I murmur, come to me, my sunny morning, give me the light that will put this restlessness to sleep for some more time, and I can be myself once again.

Muddy Splatters

2007-07-04T09:24:00.000+05:30

The worldly conscience tells me to be a little distant, a little away, a little more dignified in my approach, a should show my involvement to a lesser visibility. It says that it helps me gain attractiveness and maintain a balance. I am being taken for granted and this may be really bad because there would be no attraction left in me. One should ideally keep a good distance, to keep the interest going on for long. I know I am going overboard a lot these days, and this phase is leaving me quenched inside.

My heart says – No. Why the hell I would ever strategies one of the most wonderful feelings I have in me. I am happy for what I have, and I would love to have much more, and real soon.

I do not want this phase to pass by, leaving me more thirsty.

What stops me? Wrong timings I guess.

My emotions don't wear a watch.

Neither do my heart have a calender. It is just another eager kid wanting the most to himself, much more than the little hands can hold. It refuses to believe that my time is almost up. I keeps on forgetting that I am growing older with each tick of the life clock. It just refuses to grow up. Jumping with joy in the rain, splattering on muddy waters, and greedily looking at the sky for more.

What's wrong with this, specially when it comes so naturally to me.

And the world says - it is all wrong. Just Shut Up.

Newsreel Documentary about the Interval

2007-07-03T13:44:00.000+05:30

In the time of the golden oldies, during the interval in those movies, a newsreel used to appear telling all the boring documentary stuff. I used to talk about all that no one actually cared to know, except the people who really wanted to know about it.

This day, a year ago, I started this blog. The reason was simple - plain news.

Just like the good old doordarshan in early seventies, the purpose was to make a window to myself. Slowly, but swiftly, it turned to be a mirror of my mind (and heart ... i guess). It started featuring songs and musical extravaganza of the life, as it flowed from one day to another.

Today, when I look back at this diary of mine, I see a large canvas spread over so many months, painted in multiple hues varying from romantic pinks to saddening blues, earthy browns of reality to lively oranges of sunny evenings, strictest whites to passionate violets – it is all out there. There is a definite learning curve, marked with so many unique experiences.

As I turn the leaves of this blog, I see hunger, and fulfillment; I see desire and satisfaction; I see journeys and destinations. Reading them all, it seems that this has been an eventful phase of time.

The journey continues .....

Another Morning of mixed emotions

2007-07-02T08:31:00.000+05:30

Just picked the rhyme of a verse from another blog - and penned a few lines this morning..

Jiski tasveer khayalon se fanaa nahin hoti,
Uski aankhon mein ik aaina kyun lagta hai.

Sulagte hue ashkon pe chheente daal kar,
poochhte hai wo ke, dhuyyan sa kyun lagta tai

Aur wo jo kehte hain ke bhool jayen unhe,
Unke bina sab yahan soona sa kyun lagta hai.

Life is not about picking roses.
It is about plucking the thorns, one by one, from the roses I have in my hand.

The Right Turn - Blinkers ON

2007-07-01T22:24:00.000+05:30

The blinkers are on.... They are sending me signals...

The next turn does not seem very far now. And it seems to be a right turn.

Right turn, that hopefully will take me to the right direction.

Guess it cannot be a left turn anymore ever in life. On left, its the heart, which has already chosen it way. So my left turns will lead my right turns in life.

Life was on a cruise gear till now, since almost an year and a half, or so; but something inside tells me that I must move from the auto speed mode to manual gears of life. It seems that the control that I had set to autopilot looking at the smooth terrain ahead, is not working well. The terrain is getting bumpy and every now n then, i see split ways. Being on autopilot, I used to get the engine of my mind decide to take the way it likes, and the mind chooses to decide the one that was less traveled before. So, choosing a rarely traveled way does make me spend more time, with more patience, to find the right path to the illusive destination.

By and far, I have seen that most people choose the tried and tested ways, and reach their destinations faster. But in the process, they just happen to miss the joy of discovery of so many unseen events, emotions and the time spend admiring the amazing ways of life itself. People who zoom by the speedy roads often reach faster, and achieve a lot, and then stand and wonder – What Now!.. What Next ?... and then they spend their lives looking into memory albums of others who took the rare paths.

A billionaire may feel the joy to buy a painting by Leonardo-d-vinci, but he would never be able to enjoy the way those hands painted it. The joy of rare experiences is a joy in itself, which the faster racers would never know. They can only reach earlier, and then look for another race to start.

So, I am thinking to change my mode from autopilot and get the control in my hand. Hopefully, it keeps me happy as I am today, yet make me successful, to get more happiness.

Success will only be a milestone for me.
Destination is still the same, and as illusive as it has always been.

I am far ahead on the way I am moving, and I have learned one thing very well ....

Life may have hundreds of twists and turns,, but it never has any U turns.

Friendship and the art of timing

2007-06-25T10:40:00.000+05:30

Just read somewhere...

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing.

There is a time for silence.

A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny.

And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.”

- Gloria Naylor quotes (African-American novelist and educator, 1950)

Moments Babble

2007-06-22T14:03:00.000+05:30

Each moment has its own lifespan, own actions, own reflections and own directions.

Many such moments, in each others proximity, form a collective span of time, and the collective impact of the directions and reflections of each moment decide how the next set of moments would starts its life. Each moment and its inferences play an important role in setting the direction of the next span. So, every moment has the power to change the direction of life further. I have always liked the idea of a life full of experimentation, and yes, I know that most experiments may not result into glory and success, yet, some of them to. Experiments should be a part of life, but not to an extent that life becomes an experiment itself.

Somehow, if life has to have a purpose ( if it has to ), it should ideally to be avoid being a big round ball. No, I do not meant by physical appearance. I mean, by mental makeup. An old saying says – A rolling stone gathers no moss. A mind, constantly in search of something often turns itself into a big round ball. Rolling all the way to nowhere seems to be the only way for so many of us. The purpose is to set a balance between rolling and stabilizing. No point becoming a flat too. Just take off some air to ease the round rolling ball effect and you would see the stability coming in the most suitable circumstances.

Coming back to moments, each moment and its reflections can add to the collective effect of change that a span of time can bring about. The question is - who is in the driving seat? While most people love to laze and let others drive their life, I guess, the ideal thing is never to let go the steering of your life out of your grip. And even if once in a while we let others drive, we much know what direction we are headed too.

After all, we do not want to go into a direction where we have no steering, or no car for that matter. And no control !!!

Aakhir is dard ki dava kya hai ..

2007-06-20T21:34:00.000+05:30

Apni hi nazar lag gayee shayad. Was too glad since yesterday.

Ye nasha jab bhi hua humko, behad hee hua.
Is kadar behke ke izzat ke bhi kabil na rahe

----------------------

दिल ए नादान तुझे हुआ क्या है,
आख़िर इस दर्द की दवा क्या है।

O my heart - what has happened to you .. and .. is there a way out of this pain? can anything treat this misery of mine?

हम हें मुश्ताक और वो बेजार,
या इलाही, ये माजरा क्या है

I am enthusiastic, eager , and my partner angry, upset and dissatisfied; O god, whats the matter.

मैं भी मुहँ में जुबां रखता हूँ,
काश पूछो कि मुद्दा क्या है।

I also have a tounge, I can speak too... Somebody askme what is the matter with me.

ये परी चेहरा लोग कैसे हें,
गमाज़ा ए उश - व ओ अदा क्या है।

How are these beautiful faced people, What vanity , what pride they have.

जान तुम पर निसार कर्ता हूँ,
मैं नहीं जानता दुआ क्या है।

Cheeni Zyada ...

2007-06-17T22:53:00.000+05:30

Someone was talking about the new sugarless romance comedy film in the town these days - Cheeni Kum. Someday, I also may see it. But my core is not about the cheeni kum kind of a romance. I am more like ... add a lil more sugar, make it sweet... the lifeanyways is too bitter, so let love be sweeter.

Romance is movies have been the biggest selling factor. Why? Maybe because it is one emotion that moves each one of us. I personally do like the Cheeni Zyada concept. And I guess, anyone who has been in love has felt it at sometime or the other.

They say, a picture is worth a thousand words. And today, here is a snapshot that had spells romance in one of its ultimate fantasies. The ultimate cheeni zyada picture.. the way I like it.

Look at the delicate expressions of the lovers, when they are with each other. The man watching his beloved, while she is in the dreamy world, with eyes closed.

Words cannot define, cannot express, the feelings of this man.

One can only feel these moments, and cherish them all his life.

माना कि मोहब्बत का छिपाना है मोहब्बत,

चुपके से किसी रोज़ जताने के लिए आ

Eye Sigh

2007-06-10T23:53:00.000+05:30

Just updated a few clix on http://picasaweb.google.com/peccadilloguy/SundayDrive

अब तक दिल-ए-खुश्फहम को तुझ से हें उम्मीदें

2007-06-10T21:38:00.000+05:30

Was reading the works of Ahmed Faraz today, came across the ever popular ghazal penned by him - रंजिश ही सही ... The shayari has been so perfect and feelings have been so well expressed. God, how do these men get such perfect words to match what they had felt at that moment, for which they wrote such words.

So I sat down to search the ghazal in my music collection, as it had been quite a few years I had heard this one. Soon, it was playing in my eardrums, stirring my soul. I guess, tonight would be dedicated to multiple sessions of this ghazals and maybe similars.

The verse goes like ...

रंजिश ही सही, दिल ही दुखाने के लिए आ,
आ फिर से मुझे छोड़ के जाने के लिए आ।

I know you are angry, so come to hurt my heart.
Come over - to leave me once more.. come over.

The way Mehndi Hassan has sung this one, it just gets deep in the cracks of the heart, touching the core. And ofcourse, the words of Faraz - आ फिर से मुझे छोड़ के जाने के लिए आ ... brings out the pain of longing like anything.

The ghazal seeped in, and most verses, flowed like always. The ones that pinched deeper were those...

कुछ तो मेरे पिन्दारे मोह्हबत का भरम रख,
तू भी तो कभी मुझ को मनाने के लिए आ।

Keep some respect for my assumed love for you... तू भी तो कभी मुझ को मनाने के लिए आ।

इक उम्र से हो लज्ज़त-ए- गिरिया से भी महरूम,
ए राहत-ए-जान, मुझको रुलाने के लिए आ।
आ फिर से मुझे छोड़ के जाने के लिए आ।

Very ironic verse indeed. Had to hear it a few times to get the meaning well. It says.. Its been quite some time that I have not expereinced the pains of separation; so come and .. make me cry. Come, to leave me once again, come over.

The last one -

अब तक दिल-ए-खुश्फहम को तुझ से हें उम्मीदें,
ये आखरी शमा भी तो बुझाने के लिए आ।

What do i say ... the verse says it all, simply॥

-----------

Now I am trying to find out if I can get another ghazal by Faraz, sung by anyone. I dont even know if this one has been sung or not. I have just read it once today ...... and I am trying to get ot somehome. This one goes like - इस से पहले के हम बेवफा हो जाएँ... Lets see when I get its audio version.

Guess its time to retire to bed, I have to be wide awake tomorrow morning, to continue life.

Where?

2007-06-10T11:52:00.001+05:30

The evening turned into night,
The night morning,
the morning into afternoon...

yet....

Burning Nights and Morning Blisters

2007-06-10T09:09:00.000+05:30

The night is still dark and the morning is still far. Maybe another hour for the first rays of the day to break in the mayajaal of the night. I gaze at the hot night sky, black and burning, cloudless and harsh, covering the vastness of life beneath. The moon wasn't around too, maybe had wandered away looking for a shelter from the lava of summer nights.

Wish there was a single cloud around, showing hope. No, not in the hope of a rain, but to send a message somewhere, where there is abundance of rains already. In the era of emails and mobile messaging, I still recall the utility of a meghdoot. Wondering, if it really worked those days?

When Kalidas had penned Meghdoot, all he had the longing of a love filled heart for his beloved, and he wanted the cloud to take the expression of his emotions to her. The emotions are still the same, but the mediums have become far more faster and easier. The messages take fractions of a second to get delivered. So, for the modern world, the meghdoot is becoming redundant. But the amount of emotion a meghdoot can carry is much more than what a mere sms could ever say. Thinking of it, If there was a cloud around, to absorb my expression in itself, and move to a distant land, through mountains and plains, and just reach its destination. The wind would help to blow and move the umbrella for a brief moment that she would carry in these abundant rains there; and my meghdoot would shower and drench her with all the love that it could carry from here. O meghdoot, where are you?

Looking out of the window, the dawn is setting to break in. My eyes are getting heavier and my head spinning with restlessness. Looks like finally, the sleep will set in. The eyelids that had refused to shut down and now drooping down. The liquid in the eyes has dried down and the shoulders are feeling heavy now.

Life sucks without my usual sleeping drug, all night long. Guess I should catch some sleep before I start getting my morning blisters in my head.

Would post this when I get up in a few hours.

On the way .....

2007-06-09T11:37:00.000+05:30

It is the heart and not the brain

That to the highest doth attain,

And he who followeth Love's behest

Far excelleth all the rest.

Henry W. Longfellow

If youre not the one - Daniel Bedingfield

2007-06-04T23:15:00.000+05:30

If youre not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If youre not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
Well make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I dont want to run away but I cant take it, I dont understand
If Im not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I dont need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I dont need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If youre not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If youre not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I dont know why youre so far away
But I know that this much is true
Well make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in youre the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I dont want to run away but I cant take it, I dont understand
If Im not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
cause I love you, whether its wrong or right
And though I cant be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I dont want to run away but I cant take it, I dont understand
If Im not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that i .......

Another Night .. Another Ghazal in my memory ..

2007-06-04T01:04:00.001+05:30

रोने से और इश्क में बेबाक हो गए,

Just recalling a ghazal by none other than Ghalib।

This one is not as popular in recent times, as has not been sung by any contemporary ghazal singers, but reading it makes me feel that this is too one of the finest ones written by him.
The verse goes like this ...

Rone se aur ishq mein bebaaq ho gaye
Dhoye gaye hum aise ki bas paak ho gaye।

Crying in love has just made me even more outspoken about my feelings.... I feel I have been washed clean ( Dhoye gaye hum - typical hndi/urdu ironical phrase – Dho Dala type ), so well that I have become pure ( paak ho gaye)।

रुसवा - ए -दहर गो हुए आवारगी से हम ,
बारे-ताबितायों के तौ चालाक हो गए

and॥ the one that makes me smile....

Karne gaye thhe usse hum tagaful ka hum gila,
Kee ek hi nigah ke hum khaak ho gaye...

I went to her to complain about her ignoring me, but she just saw me once and I was ... khaak already ॥

Also another from Ghalib, very similar, yet distinct from the above one।

Hamne maana ke tagaful na karoge lekin,
Khaak ho jayenge hum tumko khabar hone tak।

Tagaful means Ignoring..

I know you will not ignore me, but I would be no more by the time you would know.. Khaak ho jayenge hum tumko khabar hone tak...

This one is from the ghazal - I guess this ghazal brings out the best of the feelings when someone waits for his or her beloved. As like most ghazals, it is a little over expressed, but very beautifully said. I am putting down the best three verses of this ghazal which I like.

Aah ko chahiye ek umr asar hone tak.
Kaun jeeta hai teri zulf ke sar hone tak.

Aashiqi sabr talab, aur tammana betaab.
Dil ka kya rang karoon khoon-e-jigar hone tak.

Hamne maana ke tagaful na karoge lekin,
Khaak ho jayenge hum tumko khabar hone tak.

The more than half empty glass

2007-05-22T09:04:00.000+05:30

The glass being half full or half empty has always been different perspectives for the same thing. I have been a strong approver of the half – full point of view; but it seems to change now.
I am noticing the glass being less than half now, and receding level is going down every time I see it. It looks like it is more than half empty now. Feels like the sand in the hourglass is slipping in the lower cup with an increased pulse beat.

Pessimism looks more like realism to me. I guess, whenever words like ' All would be O.K.' come out of my mouth by habit, my ears shrug in disbelief. My eyes open wide and question my mind.
Just like everything, is this just a passing phase, or this is the final phase,I have no idea. Looks like I have seen everything in life, and just have to live by the rest of the days, months or years, gaping at the nothingness I have created for myself.

I guess I wanted too much from life, and life gave it to me -Too much to think about.

I gulped the happiness in the glasses, and made it further empty for me. And now. the nothingness in the glass of life is overpowering the something left in the glass.

Just for clicks

2007-05-21T08:14:00.000+05:30

Tried my hands on the camera yesterday - have a look.

I would post more pictures whenever i get a chance to shoot

http://picasaweb.google.com/peccadilloguy

Curse

2007-05-14T08:59:00.000+05:30

Floating in darkness, I am trying to strike stones and make light, but it just makes sparks. Sparks, that show things in unnatural hues. Wavy shadows howl at me.

For those, I seemed like a blessing sometime ago, it looks like I am becoming a curse for them with time.

I am seeing myself in a new darkness where I look like a devil myself.

I am afraid of myself. Maybe this is just one of the milestones to hell. A few more to cross ...

Guess so.

Vaccum Mornings

2007-05-09T08:23:00.000+05:30

The mornings no longer start with a good feeling.

The eyelids just do not raise themselves, down with the weight of the day to come. Life seems to be a losing proposition now a days. Everyday, so much of wastage of precious time, has become a routine. Things that used to excite me most are getting uninteresting now a days. Work is nothing more than an unfulfilled duty, which I just do not feel like doing. The charm in work is missing. The charm in other things is reducing too.

Sometimes I sit and watch myself. Where the hell I am heading to? A big fat stone rolling downhill. At the end of each day, there are hardly any achievements, any satisfaction. On the forefront, things seem normal, but down and inside me, the restlessness has given way to the begin of the great fall.

Putting an end to the journey and killing myself is not the answer to my internal woes, but it has started coming up as an option sometimes. Seems that I cannot take the load of so much of nothingness in me anymore. So much of hollowness inside me is making me afraid of myself. I talk normally to everyone, listen to them, work, eat, and even play; but somewhere, I know I am not heading into a direction that was meant for me. Worse, my responsibilities, that I had considered the biggest work I had to complete, does not stop me from thinking of an end. I do not know what is the solution.

I cant seem to pull myself up and get back to life.

But I promise I will give myself some more try, before I decide to fail and fall.

What a good way to start my day, with a thought of an end so near!

Guess I have to force myself to get into better thoughts and get to work and other things take over, so that these thoughts do not take over me completely.

If nothing helps, I must get up and help myself. At least, I can give myself one more try.

Getting up for a bath, and then over to office again...

Impatience of the moment

2007-05-08T09:55:00.000+05:30

My impatience towards a certain aspect of my life is growing boundlessly. I am getting really worse at it. My basic theory to wait for things to happen holds true everywhere, except once facet of my life.

Each minute passes like burning in the hell. I just don’t get controlled. It is getting so bad that I start to hate myself when I get so impatient. Gazing at the clock in my cell, the time just does not pass, like at this moment. I am going insane I know. I am aware that my impatience is such a wasteful activity, as things will happen when are due for.

I am trying to cure, but failing to do so. Each minute refuses to pass away

Just being aware of the harms of my stupid impatience is not helping me. I have to get out of this impatience somehow. I have to learn the value of others time. I am just going out of my limits, quite often now.

God. Help me. Please.

Faith and Doubt

2007-05-08T08:10:00.000+05:30

Do I trust most people I know?

Guess I do not. My strong intuition, coupled with my sometimes alert eye often gives me a signal that there is more truth that it meets my eye.

And do my doubts take me away from people?

Guess not really. I try to ask them the truth, and give them a friendly cushion to inculcate mutual trust. It does help.

I find sense in doubting the truth of people, but not letting it interfere it with my relationship to such a level that it breaks into a 'nothing ahead' kind of a situation.

Doubt is a natural outcome of indications we gather from our surroundings, and from our intuition.

I strongly believe that one has to learn to use his doubts as a roadmap to find faith and trust. Doubts are important, as they help us to seek truth. Never doubt your doubts, but avoid them to come in your way to happiness.

I have doubted my closest people, many a times, and then found that sometimes, my doubts are true and sometimes baseless. But in both circumstances, I try to choose the way that has proved to be smoother and less riskier. With time, all truth will come out. I try not to make my doubts become testing ground for my relationships.

Great thinkers have said much about the uselessness of doubt.

“There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt.
Doubt separates people.
It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations.
It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.”
- Buddha (Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.

I have often seen my own doubts melting away in presence of trust, that comes with time. I would rather trust more on my experiences in time, than the momentary doubts that spring up every now and then. After all, It is me who has to choose the way. Do I feel more happy and secure on the way to faith; or on the way to doubt. Often, in most cases, I prefer to doubt, yet carry on. Seldom have I let my doubts about people make me go away. Because I have learned that time does bring out all truth.

Just read somewhere, while looking for answers on the questions on Doubt and Faith.

Doubt sees the obstacles.
Faith sees the way.

Doubt sees the darkest night.
Faith sees the day.

Doubt dreads to take a step.
Faith soars on high.

Doubt questions "Who believes"?
Faith answers "I".

Someone's boring me. I think it's me.

2007-05-07T11:38:00.000+05:30

There is no bigger a boredom when all is open before your eyes.
As they say - The best way to be boring is to leave nothing out.

Another quote I read today said -

“Life is intrinsically, well, boring and dangerous at the same time. At any given moment the floor may open up. Of course, it almost never does; that's what makes it so boring.”

I too have become a boring object. I dont find myself interesting any longer. Just like a machine with rusting parts, which, when runs, gives out jarring noise

2007-05-07T09:30:00.000+05:30

If I cannot understand how my own mind works, how can anyone else understand it?
I have no reasons to complain to the God, but I want to fight back. I did not need this extra burden that you have given me.

Whenever I saw something happening in my life, I tended to rush into it. Now, when I see that death is another happening, why is my mind avoiding rushing into it? One part of me says, be brave and hug it and kiss it, it is just an event marking the end. The other part remains to live longer.

The urgency to complete my unfulfilled tasks seems to have vanished away. Good that I had that small holiday before this day came. Maybe it was my last wish fulfilled.

The fear of the ultimate end is turning into an attractive black hole. Ready to suck me in it.
The heart is giving away itself, to my ultimate sweetheart, slowly and gradually. It may take few months, or few years, to woo the black fairy of death to carry me with her, and fly me to the great nothingness. The heart that kept on winning is now all set to break down and lose itself.

I would try to live till I die; but I feel dieing every minute, till I am living. The thin line between life and lifelessness seems to be thinning further.

There is going to be life after it too, but I may not be a part of it.

Till then, I sulk and smile, together.

The forbidden extravaganza

2007-05-05T08:58:00.000+05:30

The envelop of comfort around me is all wet with tears, soggy enough to get torn anytime. And I really do not know what will happen then. I am living my dream every minute, with closed eyes. The waves of both pleasure and pain are making feel the orgasm of a lifetime. And I know, after this, I shall breakdown into pieces, which may never be gathered again into what i have been, till now. It maybe a new shape, arising with a new structure out of the jigsaw of my shattered pieces. Maybe, nothing would rise from the ashes this time.

The pleasure is so engulfing that I am liking the being blind, being deaf and being speechless.

My ears love to hear one voice, my eyes see one sight, my skin feels one touch, my tongue knows just one taste, and my sense of smell is all into the lingering aroma of my dreams. Nothing else. All I feel is right there in the heart, a torrent of emotions, where I cant distinguish between each emotion individually. There is a unique concoction of the sweetness of honey, the tang of strawberries, the intoxication of cocaine; and much more, which is running down my throat, mixing in my veins and rushing in my blood, like a roaring lion, crazy about the forbidden extravaganza of life.

Am I too much into it? Dunno.

What is Victory?

2007-04-30T13:28:00.000+05:30

Many minds, many thoughts, many views…

Is victory something like getting what we want, at some cost we can afford it? Sometimes it feels that no cost is too big to get what we want to win over. But this is not true.

To a slave country, victory could mean getting freedom. On the other hand, to an independent country, victory could mean success, financial or otherwise. Victory, I guess, is just a state of mind, post achievement of an effort, and unfortunately, this state of mind does not last too long.

It could be a small daily life event, or a life changing situation; to fight it out and to come successful is one of the most witnessed ways to be victorious.

Victory could also be coming out as a survivor from a tough condition. Survival too is a form of victory. Survival of the self, in spite of not being the best, (in contradiction to the survival of the fittest theory) , is also a victory in its own sense.

Sometimes, winning over the self is also a victory. The fight within self, not to enter a war, not to be a part of the race, the fight to make oneself sit tight and not to take a plunge , is also a victory. It is a victory of the self, and is the most selfless kinds.

To me, victory is always relative to the endeavor one undertakes, to achieve a certain state of mind, whose desire has driven the mind into action towards an achievement.

Seems like, Victory over the self is what goes the longest way, and surpasses the smallness of the time span of happiness of victories over others.

Our Shadows Follow Us

2007-04-30T07:46:00.000+05:30

Some old lines are coming in my mind again and again.

We all have one life. We have the right to live it to our satisfaction.

The question is - What is satisfaction?

And, remember .. we have to pay back everything here itself... in this one life itself.

अपनी ही करनी का फल है - नेकियां रुस्वईयां।
आप के पीछे चलेगीं, आप की परछाईयाँ ।

Our shadows follow.. whereever we go, Whatever we do.
And there shadows do get darker when the sun is about to set.

Exhausted Fulfillment

2007-04-29T22:42:00.000+05:30

I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious.

- Vince Lombardi

What is more important, winning or the war itself?

2007-04-29T09:59:00.000+05:30

Now a days, I see my ideas conflicting with my basics. Being a traveler, I have always preferred the journey over the destination. I have never been too much of a subscriber of the target driven thoughts and ways of life. I have always believed that life, and each of its phases, is a part of a journey, and there is no real destination, no real targets. Each target, each point we cross is just a milestone. One after an other, every mile, there is a rock that says, destination – couples of miles away. I hardly remember seeing a milestone saying – Guy – You have arrived. And even if there were some, that said similarly, my feet never let my mind trust them. I always felt there was more to the journey, than to a destination.

Now a days, I see my mind getting into a constant conflict with itself. I am walking on a way that has no milestones painted. Guess it is an uncharted path, in the realms of the dark side of an enlightened mind. I am into a never-before jungle, with no paths defined, no markers, no guidemaps, and ofcourse, no signs of a destination. This makes me uneasy, and a new desire, to actually seek a destination is cropping up inside me. I see my views shuffling themselves fast. I feel like using my learnings to make a map, and chart a course to an unknown destination.
I see myself taking out my mental samurai, and fighting the dark branches of trees and make a way. I see ghosts of the unknown sorts trying to scare me of getting into any direction. The loss of the path is increasing my urge to seek a destination. Surprisingly, I do not want this destination to be a resting dormitory. Something in me tells that I can sleep there till I wake to the ultimate nothingness.

The war with the unknown truths of my mind and making me seek a win. I am surprised at my own views, constantly changing. Selfishly moving the samurai, I try to find a way, only to realize that the blades are cutting and bleeding the bonds I had made for my strength, all along in past few journeys.

Thinking of the ultimate win, I stand alone, holding my samurai, stained with blood, on the remains of my journeys. I can visualize the truth of winning a war, when I do get the great nothingness, but no sleep. In the process, I seem to have wounded my soul too. Or did I ever have a soul? I search my body, inside out, all pockets, all parts, mind, heart, everywhere, no soul.

No soul – Only Win. - Is it the destination I wish to chart? Guess Not.

But now, I have no way. No path, and no destination any more. The desire to win has also given away.

All I can do is dig a grave, and sit besides it, waiting for another storm, to wade me into it.
Or maybe I want to wake up and start walking again? I don't feel I have the stamina.
Maybe for losers, it is neither the war, not the winning that is important. It is just being a loser that one has to settle for.

Cause winning has a price, and and I am going broke.

A loser
A walker.
A lose walker.
A walking loser.
Whatever.

The incompleteness of the seemingly fulfilling life

2007-04-28T07:22:00.000+05:30

Often Quoted -

कभी किसी को मुक्क्मल जहाँ नहीं मिलता,
कहीँ ज़मीन तो कहीँ आसमान नहीं मिलता।

Everybody and anybody has witnessed the truth behind the above lines, yet we run after the 'everything' and seemingly let the smaller moments of happiness pass by, unnoticed.

The life itself, is such a fulfilling track of events, happy and sad; yet we try to inflate it like a baloon, till it is just about to burst. Then, we try to fill in stuff into it, and stuff it like a rugsack. Once full, we shake it a little, press is here and there, and make more space in it, trying to fill in a little more. We peep into the sack of life, see that extra space we have created, and give ourselves another illuion of still more emptyness. There is still so much that I can fill in my life, when everyone else has so much. Just cant feel satisfied.

We pick up most stuff from the shelves, and stuff it further. The moment seem to fulfilling. And the moments sink into the rugsack of life, settleong themselves in small spaces. Satisfied, we pick the sack, heavier than before, on our already burdened back, and carry it a few steps further. Tired, we keep it down a rest a little while. Curious, we peep into the sack again. Some movements, and time, seemed to have settled the last set of happening, and we see still more space...

Alas.. my life is still so empty .... We start the cycle again.. stuffing it with whatever we get.

Why can't we be happy with what we have। We have so much to enjoy, including the space, instead of stuffing our lives with so much just because the rest of the world has it?

I guess, life itself has given me so much, including the most beautiful pain I can live my life with. Each pang has its own charm, each pinch has its own smile.

So, guess ... instead of ..

कभी किसी को मुक्क्मल जहाँ नहीं मिलता,
कहीँ ज़मीन तो कहीँ आसमान नहीं मिलता।

I would better say ..

शुक्रिया ए प्यार तेरा शुक्रिया,
दिल को इतना खूबसूरत गम दिया।

आंख को आंसू दिए जो मोतियों से कम नहीं,
दिल को इतने गम दिए के अब कोई भी गम नहीं
मेहरबान जो कुछ किया, अच्छा किया।
शुक्रिया ए प्यार तेरा शुक्रिया,

जिन्दगी को दर्द में डूबे तराने दे दिए।
हसरतों के, आरजूओं के खजाने दे दिए,
ये नवाज़िश है तेरी क्या क्या दिया
शुक्रिया ए प्यार तेरा शुक्रिया,

I am Glad..... for the emptyness I have, so that I can enjoy each emotion in its completeness.

Its morning again

2007-04-28T07:04:00.000+05:30

O Mind,

Please be calm.

The stars have just faded out.

The night is just being over.

The sun is arriving slowly.

The day has just arrived.

The sky is changing

from dark to bright

O Mind

Please be calm.

Its morning again.

Surrender

2007-04-27T19:46:00.000+05:30

My possessiveness is raising its head once again. And the feeling itself is getting on my head. My arteries can feel the rush of possessiveness rich blood rushing out of my heart, and the pressure is more it can handle. The blue veins seem to be swollen with the feeling of 'mine' and feel like bursting out. The eyes are getting blurry, and the thin lines between self esteem and ego seems to vanish into thin air.

Once again, I can feel that the world belongs to me, and just me. My hands are up to grab more than they can handle, and my mind is blinded with so much of egocentricity.

I feel like the center of the universe and everything is spinning around me, on my whims and fancies. I sit in the middle and everyone seems to move around me.

Soon, I reach a mental belief that I can change the world, and everything around me.
Let me try myself, once again in life.

I raise a hand and try to move a small needle kept nearby.

It does not move. At all.

I try again.

Nothing.

I feel angry, push the needle, and ... nothing again. I use both my hands to move it, failing again. I increase my effort, push it with all my force, without being able to move it even a micron.
I scorn, I swear, I cry, and I beg, but the needle refuses to budge.

I decide to wake up.... to my small self. To my nothingness.

God .. I surrender to you. Do, what you can do with me. Put me to the best use you can.

MoonFlower - A Fantasy

2007-04-19T13:59:00.000+05:30

Here is my vision of the MoonFlower. Just a graphic i made today...

We are who we are...

2007-04-18T19:03:00.000+05:30

The last shots of MIB II had these words... they keep coming back to me.. It is when K tells Laura to leave and tells her her identity, and why she must leave.

When you get sad, it rains.

Lots of people get sad when it rains.

It rains because you're sad, baby

It's not fair

Never is

We are who we are...

------------

The 3AM afternote...

I am finding very difficult to handle this uncertainity after everything seemed so certain.

Sometimes, listening to the mind is such a mindless activity.

I just looked out of the window and the sun is still nowhere around. The darkness, filled with starless vaccum is gazing on my face.

Far somewhere, the moon would be sitting equilly restless.

Maybe I would try to catch some sleep again.

Looks like... I will never change; and yet, never be the same again.

We are who we are...

Living the intoxication - for now

2007-04-18T11:29:00.000+05:30

My thoughts are setting my half closed eyes into a mood from the subconcious. The practicality of life is getting blurred as the intoxicated sleep is taking me over to half cooked dreams. It feels like floating effortlessly on the ganga, in a white sheet.

No activity, no effort, but very alive to the core. Just floating to my destination, or should I call my destiny, my calling, or just my dreams.

It is like stepping into the crossover mirror of time and space, where the subcouncious mind takes over the concious mind, and I let myself be myself, for sometime atleast.

Few lines, from Madhushala, humming in the back of my mind -

आज सजीव बना लो, प्रेयसी, अपने अधरों का प्याला,
भर लो, भर लो, भर लो इसमें, यौवन मधुरस की हाला,

और लगा मेरे होठों से भूल हटाना तुम जाओ,
अथक बनू मैं पीनेवाला, खुले प्रणय की मधुशाला

Furthermore....

सुमुखी तुम्हारा, सुन्दर मुख ही, मुझको कन्चन का प्याला
छलक रही है जिसमंे माणिक रूप मधुर मादक हाला,

मैं ही साकी बनता, मैं ही पीने वाला बनता हूँ
जहाँ कहीं मिल बैठे हम तुम़ वहीं गयी हो मधुशाला

Intoxication unlimted makes the world looks drunk all around. And why do I hold myself back. I have to hold myself back, and have so many reasons to it. There is a real world too, that has a slot for me. Something like a drawer where I sleep, wake up, live and be what I am supposed to be.

Moreover there are other reasons. It looks like I am becoming an irritant factor to many a people. My actions, though seem ok to me, do bore others, and they do ask me silently - Hey, why the hell you can't be normal.

I simply smile and let the questioning silence pass.

The irritation I set into others, will eventually make people get bored of me. And then, I would tell myself in a complaining tone....

दो दिन ही मधु मुझे पिलाकर ऊब उठी साकीबाला,
भरकर अब खिसका देती है वह मेरे आगे प्याला,

नाज़, अदा, अंदाजों से अब, हाय पिलाना दूर हुआ,
अब तो कर देती है केवल फ़र्ज़ -अदाई मधुशाला

But it is all due to my mind, as it is all in my mind. The mind is the most powerful of all the forces, and when it is intoxicated, it sees just what it wants to see.

I am enjoying my intoxication, as of now. When I wake up soon, I would surely have a hangover, and then, I guess all would be ok. I would tell myself that i have got more than what my destiny had.

लिखी भाग्य में जितनी बस उतनी ही पाएगा हाला,
लिखा भाग्य में जैसा बस वैसा ही पाएगा प्याला,

लाख पटक तू हाथ पाँव, पर इससे कब कुछ होने का,
लिखी भाग्य में जो तेरे बस वही मिलेगी मधुशाला।

And then, sometime when I am able to complete my job, my work, my projects, ......

यम आयेगा साकी बनकर साथ लिए काली हाला,
पी न होश में फिर आएगा सुरा-विसुध यह मतवाला,

यह अंितम बेहोशी, अंतिम साकी,अंतिम प्याला है,
पथिक, प्यार से पीना इसको फिर न मिलेगी मधुशाला

So, I am looking forward to the last of the best times of my life.

And after that .. Life starts once again.... I know what I want is not for me, the way I wanted it.. So its ok ..

I would never want to ruin anyone else's happiness. Even if it is in the future.

नहीं चाहता, आगे बढ़कर छीनूँ औरों की हाला,
नहीं चाहता, धक्के देकर, छीनूँ औरों का प्याला,

साकी, मेरी ओर न देखो मुझको तिनक मलाल नहीं,
इतना ही क्या कम आँखों से देख रहा हूँ मधुशाला।

What I have, is ok for me.

What I get is more than I deserve.

What I do not get, was never meant to be.

Just want to keep the dream in my eyes, till they get closed.

Flowing with the Go.

2007-04-16T09:07:00.000+05:30

I was reading this small story on the net somewhere today, and felt like sharing it.
---
A Taoist story tells of an old man who fell into the river rapids leading to a high and dangerous waterfall. Onlookers feared for his life. Miraculously, he came out alive and unharmed downstream at the bottom of the falls.

People asked him how he managed to survive. "I accommodated myself to the water, not the water to me. Without thinking, I allowed myself to be shaped by it. Plunging into the swirl, I came out with the swirl. This is how I survived."
--
I do not know if I have to feel inspired from it, or take comfort, or feel down; but I can surely relate it to my experiences. Whenever I have submitted myself to the circumstances, I have survived. In my most difficult months in the recent past, I allowed myself to be shaped by the circumstances.

Though there were times when I fought the waves, spending my energy on meaningless strokes, or waiving at boats passing by to rescue me, but slowly it dawned on me that let me go with the flow. I submitted myself to the most heavenly wave of time, closing my eyes and tuned my mind to become a reflection of the tides.

As a result, I can see myself reaching the shore, where the river will keep me on the shore. It has been the most eventful journey of my life, and I am glad I had decided to take the plunge. I am going through some of the most anxious days of my life, and hope to reach the shore safely.
Acceptance of the facts of my own psyche has often made me feel calmer.
Just waiting to reach my shore soon..

Till now, I was going with the flow. And now .. I am flowing with the Go.

Musical Afternoons

2007-04-14T17:24:00.000+05:30

Right from Kailasa, I picked up these lined today, touching me once again, with the devotion of a love filled soul.

तुझमे मुझमे कोई फर्क नहीं,
जब तू है तो फिर मैं कैसी,

There is just no difference between us. And when you are there, I do not need an individual identity. My identity is a part of you. I am a part of you.

तेरी सूरत रब दी सूरत है,
कोई सूरत नहीं तेरे जैसी।

You are yourself the face of god for me. There is just no other fce like that.

बस पार ना पाया तेरा,
अलबेला साजन मेरा।

Just that, I could not get through you, my unique beloved.

Good Morning

2007-04-09T10:16:00.000+05:30

Lemonade - with a pinch of salt.

2007-04-08T22:02:00.000+05:30

Someone used to say - If life gives you lemons, make lemonades out of it.

I did try it, and now I wonder, what do i do with all this lemonade. Bottle it, preserve it, store it, and take a glass of it whenever I am thirsty. So much stock of lemonade, god, it would last a lifetime I guess.

जब जिस वक़्त किसी का, यार जुदा होता है,
कुछ ने पूछों यारों दिल का, हाल बुरा होता है,

दिल पे यादों के जैसे, तीर चलते हें,

दिए जलते हें, फूल खिलते हें,
बड़ी मुश्किल से मगर ,
दुनिया मैं दोस्त मिलते हें।

The voice of kishore kumar, and the music of R.D. seems to go deep through the ears and touch the heart. Walking with kishore kumar in my earphones has always made me feel the reflections of so many emotions at the same time. Yet, each time, it is something that reflects the present. Nowhere, none of the songs looks like a song from the past. They are like my daily bread that i fill myself with.

Rightnow, the song which is playing is from a movie called anurodh.

यारों का गम क्या होता है, मालुम ना था अनजाने को,
साहिल पे खडे हो कर हमने देखा अक्सर तूफानों को,
अबके शायद हम भी डूबें, मौजों के सफीने मैं।

Guess I had never known the pain of my friends, as I always saw the tempests standing from the shores. But this time, maybe I would drown too, in an array of tides.

जब दर्द नहीं था सीने मे, तब ख़ाक मज़ा था जीने मे।

---

The next song started in the meantime, one of my favourites, since many many years. I can hear my mind applauding to the sheer genius of kishore kumar, when he sung this one. Anyone who has ever heard this song can feel the sting in it.

मेरे महबूब, क़यामत होगी, ...........

There is nothing that can be said about this one. Just humm the words in the heart and feel the song get down the gut. It is like taking life with a pinch of salt.

Adding salt to the lemonade was never so much of fun।

--

And now, something i remember from Gulzaar

Shaam se aankh mein nami si hai,
aaj phir aap ki kami si hai

Koi rishtaa nahin raha lekin,
Ek taslim laazmi si hai.

--

Shabba-a-khair

The DIY Guide to Meditation – The starting point of Self Help.

2007-04-08T09:02:00.000+05:30

Meditation, to reduce mental stress, is what i relearned recently.

For my own guidance, I am making this simple step by step guide to start meditation. If it helps others, I shall be glad. The simplest form of meditation is breathing meditation. This can be done in the most common circumstances, and most people can do it. By most people, I mean most who want to be at peace. I have known that some of us just do not want to have peace. They like to be in the web of mess themselves. I have been that way myself and it is one stage when we just do not want to help ourselves. So, whenever , even for a minute, if you get a feeling that you want to remove the stress, try to start a daily 15 minute meditation process as a routine, and a 5 to 10 minute as an instant relaxant.

To start with, we need to make our mind clear. This can be done by simple breathing method.
Sit in an easy and comfortable position, preferably cross legged, but a chair is not a bad idea too. It is important to keep the back straight as this is will help our mind to be alert and not get sleepy.

Close the eyes, not too tightly, and pay attention to your breath. Use your nose for breathing, instead of mouth. Try to be aware of your breath. Feel it enter your nose and leaves your nose. This sensation is the key to breathing meditation and try to concentrate on it. Try to focus on the sensation of breath and leave other thoughts behind.

Initially, the mind will feel busier with thoughts of all sorts, not leaving the mind. It will get crowded with all sorts of thoughts. Actually, this is not happening. Our mind is only becoming aware of its own state, so as how many thoughts do we have up there.

A temptation will arise to follow the various thoughts that arise in the mind at this time. Resist the temptation and focus on the sensation of the breath again. The moment you feel that the mind is wandering in thoughts, bring it back to the breathing sensation, in the nose. This will initially take many attempts, but with time, the practice will build the meditation strength.
Gradually, you will see that the distracting thoughts will start fading off. Your mind will start to settle on the breath. Here, the peace begins to spread itself inside us. As per the most common example, this is the state when the mud begins to settle, and water becomes lucid and clear. Try to retain this mental calm for sometime, say 15 to 30 minutes to start with.

Our mind will become clearer and and our breath will regulate out thoughts. This seems easy and simple, but is a very powerful method, to start with. Meditations not just an exercise, it is a medicine for stressed minds.

You shall see that your thoughts will automatically get properly arranged after you meditate and practice it for a while.

Try it out. Fifteen minutes a day is not a big thing to give that came make you relax for so many hours to come.

I Do....

2007-04-07T23:01:00.000+05:30

Do i Miss it?

2007-04-06T10:46:00.000+05:30

गली के मोड़ पे , सूना सा कोई दरवाजा
तरसती आंखो से , रास्ता किसी का देखेगा
निगाह दूर तलक , जा के लॉट आयेगी

करोगे याद तो , हर बात याद आयेगी
गुजरते वक़्त की , हर मौज ठहर जायेगी

-----------

This may just be a passing thought like always, but it does come quite often to me।

-

वो दिल ही क्या तेरे मिलने कि जो दुआ ना करे,
मैं तुझको भूल के जिंदा रहूँ, खुदा ना करे।

रहेगा साथ तेरा प्यार जिन्दगी बन कर,
ये और बात मेरी जिन्दगी वफ़ा ना करे ।

सरे राह चलते चलते - Met someone in the way ...

2007-04-03T22:55:00.000+05:30

There is a lot that I could never say. And then someone said it all.

जो कही गयी ना मुझसे,
वो ज़माना कह रह है ।

के फ़साना बन गयी है,
मेरी बात चलते चलते ।

What I could never say, the world is saying it all today.
It has become a story, what was a simple thing i wanted to say.

शब्-ए-इंतज़ार आख़िर,
कभी होगी मुक्त्सर भी,

ये चराग बुझ रहे हें,
मेरे साथ जलते जलते।

When will this night of eternal wait become smaller,
The candles are are getting dimmer, burning all night with me.

यून्हीं कोई मिल गया था, सरे राह चलते चलते,
वहीँ थम के रह गयी है, मेरी रात ढलते ढलते।

Just another saturday morning

2007-03-31T08:24:00.000+05:30

Each morning starts with the flood of emotions and memories, enough to wet the eyes. The minutes just refuse to pass by. So I sit down to jab the keyboard with some junk to thow out. The mind is clouded with thoughts of all the accepted rejection I am getting. Am I really dragging it too far? I guess I am not. Or I am? Dunno.

It is not an easy process to start the day. But I guess, the day will not stop, even if i try to hold the hands of time. I never knew I would need help from third quarters, I never imagined myself to be in such a state of mind. But I guess, this time does come up in each life. I did not face it in early phases of life, so I it coming late to me. I am trying to grow out of myself and would do it, and I do not think I need to get supports now. Or do I? i am aware that weaker crutches will not take me anywhere far, but at-least ई shall be ...... on something, keeping myself occupied, if not entirely on my own.

And then, here is something for the one who has recently started looking towards me with amused and restless eyes.

I do notice the subtle remarks in the not so subtle talks. I am weak these days and may trip my steps, but will try to retain my balance. . Do not try to find solace in me. I have nothing much left on that front that can be useful. Whatever I had, has been put to a wasteful use. Tomorrow, you would too come up and tell me the same. So, better mind your heart and don't put that effort on me. You will find nothing here and you shall lose what you would regret later. The time. You are young and brave; and have a long way to go.

Just understand, do not put away the future for a sweeter day today. Though this is not my original philosophy of life, but this will suit you better. So before you let me use you as a support system, which I think I have started to, already; try to keep your personal life away and secure, and do not stop your efforts to move ahead. I have grown old and because I have lived in moments, does not mean you should also do so. So, stop fluttering those eyes and carry on. Do not soften your voice to me, as I do get affected, but the ill effect will be more on your future. Live on.

Hey I do sound like a confused lot. Don't I? Or Do I make sense?

यही तो कहा था

2007-03-30T22:44:00.000+05:30

जाएँगे कहॉ , सूझता नहीं
चल पडे मगर रास्ता नहीं,

क्या तलाश है, कुछ पता नहीं,

बुन रहें हें दिल, ख़्वाब दम ब दम

वक़्त ने किया क्या हसीं सितम

तुम रहे ना तुम, हम रहे ना हम्.

The Paradise of the Princess

2007-03-22T08:31:00.000+05:30

The three way tug of was between 'the future restructuring of mind', 'the present state of destructive settlement' and 'the intoxicating thaumaturge of the past' is ripping my nerves apart. The speed of events is so high that the difference between the fact and the fiction seems to be blurred to the extent of blindness. Everything seems to go inside the big black hole of yesterday, and I am unsuccessfully trying to pull out the rabbit called happiness, from the hat of the past.

Nothing makes me happy for long anymore, except those small moments of sitting in the shade of the tree I had sown years ago. I collect these moments each time and take them with me, and play with them all day long. I know my tree is in its full bloom and ready to blossom anytime I want to be alive to see the flowers and fruits of the tree spread all over the garden on life, spreading smiles.

That is when the paradise of the princess will glow in the magical aura of lifelong happiness. Stars would sprinkle the light from the sky, and the winds would sing the songs of joy. I would be busy attending the guests from the heaven, all the Gods, who will come to bless the blooming tree of eternal happiness.

It feels nice

2007-03-21T15:09:00.000+05:30

Today, Listening to the classic by mehdi hassan, felt like saying so ..

फूल ही फूल खिल उठे मेरे पैमाने में
तुम क्या आये, आ गयी बहार मैखाने में।

Ye Shaam Ki Tanhaiyan

2007-03-18T17:28:00.000+05:30

yeh shaam ki tanhaiyan, aise main tera gham
patte kahin khadke hawa, aayi to chaunke ham
yeh shaam ki tanhaiyan, aise main tera gham

jis raah se tum aane ko the
uske nishaan bhi mitne lage
aaye na tum sau sau dafa, aaye gaye mausam
yeh shaam ki tanhaiyan, aise main tera gham

seene se laga teri yaad ko
roti rahi main raat ko
haalat pe meri chaand taare ro gaye shabnam
yeh shaam ki tanhaiyan, aise main tera gham

Walk Man ... Walk ..... चले जा चले जा

2007-03-17T09:24:00.000+05:30

चले जा चले जा चले जा, जहाँ प्यार मिले।

Walk man Walk ... :)

इतने बडे जहाँ में कोई तो मीत होगा,
इस गम कि बांसुरी में, कोई तौ गीत होगा

चले जा चले जा चले जा, जहाँ प्यार मिले।

Its a huge world, there would be someone .....

चलना ही जिन्दगी है, रुकना है मौत तेरी,
ए जिन्दगी के राही, किस बात कि है देरी।

चले जा चले जा चले जा, जहाँ प्यार मिले।

The Sweetest Songs

2007-03-17T07:15:00.000+05:30

Remembering an old song by Tatat Mehmood, and making the life look much better today।

हें सबसे मधुर वो गीत जिन्हें, हम दर्द के सुर में गाते हैं
जब हद से गुज़र जाती है खुशी, आँसू भी छलकते आते।

“Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought।” - Percy Bysshe Shelley

काँटों में खिले हैं फूल हमारे, रंग भरे अरमानों के,
नादान हैं, जो इन काँटों से दामन को बचाये जाते हें

जब ग़म का अन्धेरा घिर आये, समझो के सवेरा दूर नहीं
हर रात का हैं पैगाम यहीं, तारे भी यहीं दोहराते हें

पहलू में पराये दर्द बसाके, तू हँसना हँसाना सीख ज़रा
तूफ़ान से कह दे घिर के उठे, हम प्यार के दीप जलाते हैं

Strange is this challange of life - तूफ़ान से कह दे घिर के उठे, हम प्यार के दीप जलाते हैं

The song was penned by none other than Shailendra, the master at creating the most touching , yet realistic lyrics। Songs like ' Sach hai duniya waalo, ke hum hain anaari ' and many more, still reflect the pain of the real worldly men

Another song that comes to my mind, by Shailendra was an out and out romantic song. Though it did not become very popular, those you have heard it, know it well. It was sung by Mohd. Rafi, for film - Akhiri Khat.

आज कि रात, ये कैसी रात, के हमको नींद नहीं आती,
मेरी जान आओ, बैठो पास, के हमको नींद नहीं आती।

The most love filled stanza that makes my senses wake to the magic of midnight love ...

अँधेरा है , तौ रहने दो,
मुज्जसिम चांदनी हो तुम,
लाज्जाये रौशनी जिस से,
इक ऐसे रौशनी हो तुम,

Let the darkness remain my dear, as you are the bright moonlight tonight, so bright that every light around would feel shy in front of your light ( of youthful passionate presense )

ज़रा बैठो,
करो कोई बात,
के हमको नींद नही आती,

मेरी जान आओ,
बैठो पास,
के हमको नींद नही आती।

Woila..... Time to get ready for work.... tired, yet a little refreshed..

Good Morning

Life is a cakewalk .....

2007-03-16T07:27:00.000+05:30

A week is like a cake these days..

A lovely round cake, cut into unequal seven slices of yummy delight, filled with raisins and nuts, covered with the most delicious toppings। But just felt so, that each day has a different topping, a different sauce on it।

The Monday's slice start with a plain vanilla sauce, like clean white bedsheets, without a single wrinkle; ironed to perfection, but as hard as flawless frozen ice cover, It looks as if it is covering something beneath i cannot eat। Like a protection shield. I just cant dig my teeth of possessiveness into it, and even if I try to take a bite, my teeth break with all my ego, and get shattered.

Tuesdays and Wednesdays, as the ice melts, are for lemon and strawberry flavor toppings, often sweet and sour, often reversed, and mixed। I love the mild and magical taste of it, it makes me forget the stiff ice, and yet, try not to overindulge, remembering what had happened my ego-tooth।

Thursdays and Fridays are like the one filled with rum and raisins, with a splash of chocolate sauce, served with soda and ice cream, perfection unlimited, sometimes with a cherry on the top। It feels like the cake itself would love to be consumed। I often forget my teeth and try to dig in the maximum, as it there was no tomorrow.

Maybe, there is no tomorrow this week too।

Yes, I remember, my teeth would get yuckier, smellier, sticky and bad by tomorrow - the Saturday। Saturdays, i prefer eying the cake though the glass , standing outside the show window। My teeth ache and I my tongue of desire slurps between by teeth of ego, often biting to bleed. I stick like hungry beggar kid outside the heavily exciting display of the show window., while my lips pucker in desire full of despair. The exciting red sauce looks too tempting, but lately I have stopped enjoying my cake on weekends.

Though the cake looks brightest and red hot on weekends, I try to let it pass, but my over indulgence only makes me dream of the forbidden pleasure। Then, I tell my mind, about how and why the cake got so good looking today। Maybe the weekend cake is not for me. I have had it all week, but the weekend cake, well, is not my slice. Sometimes, I remind myself of the incidents when I stole into the weekend's slice with red strawberry sauce, only to yell with reality. The red for sauce was actually Hawaiian chili sauce, and not strawberry as i thought, that day.

The shutters of the show window get pulled down and i keep banging my head to the shutter, silently. I do see some spots of red where I bang my head, and lick the same to satisfy my ego, waiting for the Monday's clean white vanilla slice. Sometimes I do try to enjoy a Sunday slice to an extent, but with a fear of breaking my teeth again. Who knows I get a hard nut in my cake that would again break my decaying teeth.

I try to look at other wonderful pastries around, and even those exciting servings of deliciously sinful delights, where my craving could be satisfied, but I guess, like a child, I love my cake, no matter if it is not mine anymore. My possessiveness and overindulgence about eating the whole cake is obviously the killer. My teeth are rotting, giving away with each week passing by. The cake has started eating me instead of vice versa. One day, the cake of time with eat me up, and teeth of ego with lie in the ashes with my other calcium structures of what I still call – myself.

Life is a cakewalk. isn't it?

-------------------------------------------------------------

P.S. : We all have our own ways to calm ourselves. I think, writing is one way that does the minimum harm. So i prefer to write to keep myself calm. I do not intend to hurt, harm or put down anyone.

Bird on a cactus

2007-03-07T08:50:00.000+05:30

Why would a bird sit on a cactus?

I have no answers that suit my mind. But, in deserts, birds have no better trees to sit on. When summer heat gets hotter and there is less water, they take the water even from the thorny cactus. But, only for some time. Then, as the summer gets hotter, they migrate to a water land across seven seas.

Maybe the reason is the same as when tired people sit under the shade of a huge green tree, even near a lake.

Guess, be it a cactus or a huge green tree, are there for similar purpose.

A bird on a cactus is a fairly accpeted concept in dry areas, just as sitting under a shaded tree, and relaxing., till rejuvenate to fly ahead.

Illusive Mirages ... needs or whatever.....

2007-03-04T20:16:00.000+05:30

We all need something or the other.

I know someone who needs stability, and I know someone who wants to retain stability.
I also know someone who needs love. and he doesnt seem to get it .. lol. nevermind.

And then there are people like me who seemingly have E V E R Y T H I N G. And .... greed and drool over everything. :)

Seems like I am standing in a green colored desert.

I open my mouth to the sky when it rains the nector of love all over. And lately, each drop misses my lips and tounge by a micron. Man.. its raining love all around. or am i blind.

What an illusive mirage this life is....

.. something i wrote about 15 years ago, or so ..

Yoon tau raaste mein kai ghar mile;
Uska ghar aaya na lekin raat bhar.

Rafta rafta zakhm saare bhar gaye;
Dard badhta hee raha bas raat bhar.

--------

Feels like it is time to forget some restrictions on myself. Atlest for the time being. .. so that i crawl forward.

Unless I fire up my desires again, and go and look for some nector, atlest for a little while ... whatever...

Sorry if I overstepped my blogging limits.

On old ghazal tonight - Zindagi mein tau sabhi ... Romance at its peak

2007-02-25T00:25:00.000+05:30

This old favoirite ghazal of mine is playing alongside. Sung by mehdi hasaan, zindagi mein tau sabhi pyar kiya karte hain ... its just too good. I was first introduced to this ghazal by my father, way back when i was about 15 years old or so. We had this old LP ( Long Play Records - the CD generation dont know what it is , it the the old black disk we used to have in olden times ) for mehdi hassan's live concert.

Anyhow, coming back to present. this is one of the ultimate romantic ghazal of all times, that touches the strings of the heart in the most tender ways. I have not really more soulful presentation of a ghazal, so romantically sang. Mehdi hasaan, has sung it too well..

Specially, when he says ....

Apne jazbaat mein naghmat rachaane ke liye,
Mainne dharkan ki tarah dil mein basya hai tujhe.

Main tasaawur bhi judai ka bhala kaise karoon,
Maine kismat ki lakeeron se churaya hai tujhe;

Tujhpe ho jaaonga qurbaan tujhe chaahoonga..
Mein tau mar kar bhi .. Meri Jaan, tujhe chaahunga...

Moreover, when I listen to the last stanza... it makes me go zoooooom ,...

Teri har chap se jalte hai khayaalon mein charaag;
Jab bhi u aaye, jagaata hua jaadoo aaye.

Tujho choo loon tau, Ae Jaan-e-tamnaa mujhko,
der tak apne badan se teri khushboo aaye.

( just feel the fragrance )

Tu bahaaron ka hai unvaan, tujhe chahoonga,
Mein tau mar kar bhi meri jaan, tujhe chahoonga.

Pure magic. Ultimate romantic.

Old Wine

2007-02-24T23:37:00.000+05:30

I'm like old wine.
They don't bring me out very often, but I'm well preserved.

-Rose Kennedy (1890-1995) On her 100th birthday, 1991.

learning - slowly --

2007-02-23T23:54:00.000+05:30

Jiski aankhon hai basi hai duniya saari,

Uske aankhon mein na ab bas payenge.

-- : Meaningless Mentions :--

2007-02-20T08:11:00.000+05:30

Good Morning

I am not in a position to take this pain as for now.

I will give it an honest try to give what I am expected to.

I hope I am able to give what I am asked for, atleast this time.

I think, I need to yell the obvious truth.

Maybe Not.

Maybe it will cause more suffering.

I do not know.

Paradoxist Distich

2007-02-19T23:27:00.000+05:30

Some of my experiments with Paradoxist Distich

( The Paradoxist Distich is a two-line poem which contains an antithesis. The second line contradicts the first one, but both lines form together a unitary meaning defining the title.)

V I S I O N A R Y

Looking ahead

With eyes shut

---

Old Memories Revisited

2007-02-17T21:45:00.000+05:30

Tonight, I watched Kaagaz ke phool , once again.

One of the most ironic stories of all times that mocks the world on its face, it gets deeper into me as everytime I notice new visuals, new words, new phrases cropping up, that I might have missed in all those dozens of times I saw this movie.

The partial stanza of the song that shows the high time of the main character of the movie, is what caught my attention this time.. ( this is the corus stanza with no lead singer, and the lead singer - Rafi, only says the last few lines...)

Waqt hai meherbaan, aarzoo hai jawaan;
Fiqr kal ki kya karen, itni fursat kahan;

Daur ye chalta rahe, Jaam badalta rahe;
Rang uchhalta rahe, roop machalta rahe;

Raat Har mehmaan, Hain bahaaren yahaan.
Raat gar dhal gayi, phir ye khushiyaan kahan.

... and then there is a lot of silence...

badhane lagi beqaraari; badhane lagi beqaraari

followed by the lined that send a shiver through the spine.

Pal bhar ki khushuiyaan hai saari....

The shiver of loneliness..

Arre dekhi zamaane ki yaari
Bichhde sabhi .. baari baari ...

That was the genius of Gurudutt... he knew what was coming in his life.. further...

How to wake up without an alarm clock.

2007-02-17T13:59:00.000+05:30

Some events in life are so powerful that they change the course of life. We all, at some point in time, witnesed such events.

But the reverse is NOT ture, I guess.

Once we go through such happenings, we tend to wait for such events to change the course of life. We do not actually need an alarm bell to wake up. Just that we start depending on the alarm to wake ourselves up. But if the sleep cycle is normal, no matter what, one woud automatically wake up and move, when it is time.

This applies to life also. If one is living a mentally healthy life, his internal system will wake him up, even without any events. This is the sign of a mentaly stable person, who has adapted himsef to the ever chnaging world around him.

There are times I wish to achieve this stability of mind, in the most unstable circumstances. just like my teacher.

We need to train our brains to be alert and yet relaxed; flexible yet strong; and active yet baanced. That's where, we will not need an event to change the course of our lives. We can chnage it whenever we want it.

And then, no alarms would be required to give a wake up call. We would be productive and useful even before the bell rings.

Its not too bad to feel bad ... I guess

2007-01-30T22:33:00.000+05:30

Over a period of time, I had trained myself not to react to things that made me feel bad about anything. This helped me to keep peace in myself, as well as around me. Slowly, this training turned into a habit, and then a characterstic that I got associated with.

These days, I am trying to unlearn it. To move ahead, I guess it is ok to react to things that make us feel bad. It is ok feel pain, it is ok to get hurt and it is ok to ..... move ahead.

Yet, it is not so ok to nurture bad feelings. I would stay away from that.

Tanha

2007-01-25T12:12:00.000+05:30

Wo bhi tanha, mein bhi tanha,
bhir mein har shaqs tanha;
Raat ke aagosh mein,
Kat ta hai ab waqt tanha.

Ungliyon ko yaad hai wo,
uske haatho ki chuuan;
Dhund ke chhat jaane pe.
Dekha apna haath tanha

Being Alone in crowd

2007-01-08T10:19:00.000+05:30

It is odd, yet true.
Sometimes, my own very personal weakness is my biggest support system.
I depend on it as if for each drop of glucose that runs in my artries and veins, for my daily dose of enegry.
The route is still through the heart.

Kabhi dekho man nahi jaage,
Peechhe peechhe sapno ke bhaage
Ek din sapno ka raahi
chalaa jaaye sapno ke aage kahan

Zindagi......... Kaise hai paheli hai...

Jinhone sajaaye yaha mele
Sukh-dukh sang-sang jhele
Wahi chunkar khaamoshi
yoon chali jaaye akele kahan

Aisa kyun hota hai?

2006-10-27T09:18:00.000+05:30

Duniya jise kehte hai, jaadu ka khilona hai
mil jaye to mitti hai, kho jaye tau sona hai.

This morning seems worse than yesterday. The hollow feeling in voice made me sink deeper. The voice on the other side sounded like a hollow iron pillar, strong yet coreless. Deely hurt, bravely stood up.
Life has its own ways to teach maths. One plus one may not make one, as lovers believe. It will always be two. Individual identities.

hope for a better life, live a balanced today and learn from past.

For Your Eyes Only :)

2006-10-27T06:50:00.000+05:30

Nails in my coffin

2006-10-15T09:13:00.000+05:30

Why the hell do i love hammering nails into my coffin?

And yes, it is not what I could not do,

It is about what someone claims to do ..

The nails in the coffin refer to the learning that changed it all in one statement.
- I am no one to say anything about people because i am even worse. I do worse things so I have no right to point a finger on anyone.

Guess, I must clean myself before I call someone to be on the 'not so right' side of life.
And if I cannot, I must shut up.

I did things assuming we were on the same side of a line, testing waters.

Sides are changing. It seems so.

Utility and Futility: The two sides of the same coin.

2006-10-13T01:02:00.000+05:30

Tonight, something changed in me, for good i guess.

I felt the tug of was inside me, about the utility and futility of the same emotion.

Utility is always stronger than futility, it took me forty years to understand.

May the stronger side prove its utility and win.

Emotions, no matter how strong, if useless, will give way to more useful emotions, the practical way.

This does not affect my feelings, but it sure affects my actions. I would love to be much more controled now.

Sad Waters

2006-09-29T11:31:00.000+05:30

Bas ek hi sur mein, Ek hi lay mein,
Subah se dekh, kaise baras raha hai udaas pani.

- Gulzar

Woh

2006-09-19T00:19:00.000+05:30

Jaane kya baat hai us ashiq mein,

Jis ko tum yaad kiye jaate ho।

Ek guzra hua lamha thaa woh,
Jis ko tum roz jiye jaate ho।

Kai chehro se bhari hai wo basti,
Jis mein tum tanha jiye jaate ho।

Wo jo daaman ko bacha ke nikla,
Uss ka tum naam liye jaate ho।

Meethe sapne ki ik chahat mein,
Do kadwe ghoont bhi piye jaate jo।

Dua hai ke woh ho jaye tumhara,
Jis ki tum aarzoo kiye jaate ho।

Beh jaane do ein na-muraadon ko,
Tum jin ashkon ko piye jaate ho।

Wo jo hota, tau mein nahin hota;
Jiska tum zikr kiye jaate ho।

Uski nazron se mila kar nazren,
Meri aankhon mein jiye jaate ho।

Incomplete - as yet

2006-09-17T18:17:00.000+05:30

Uske andaaz ki berukhi, uski awaaz ki khalish;
Chnd ghanton ke intezaar mein ubhar aayi thi.

Ting Tong Tango

2006-09-15T18:43:00.000+05:30

Few days are good. Really Good.

And then, few days are as bad as hell.

Guess life works that way, every minute. Ting Tong. The push and pull of the heartbeat keeps the puppet of flesh alive. And when the pull exceeds the pull ( or vice versa), everything collapses. It is impossible to make things work single handedly. It takes two to tango.

The awakening sometimes comes slowly, and sometimes, in a flash. And it goes away in a flash too. The light and dark play the ting tong of day and night to keep the circles going on.

The tings and tongs of romance sound so pleasurable, as the echos of tings merges with the sounds of tong. The tong sounds echo their presense till the ting strikes. The echos of ting tong keep overlapping each other, to an extent that even if a ting or a tong gets missed, the overlapping echo does not let the music go slow. But when ting keeps on missing the tong, the echo fades into silence, slowly. The gap between ting and tong increases, the strikes become less powerful and slowly die down.

There is no touch, no sound, no echo to overlap.

But this does mean that ting an tong dont keep on doign what they are ought to do. They just do not strike together. They freely oscillate in their own respective frequencies. Just that, there is no music thereafter.

No ting tong. No tango. No echo, No music.

Zindagi se door kahan jaayenge.

2006-09-12T23:17:00.000+05:30

Zindagi se door kahan jaayenge;
Phir yahin par laut ke aa jaayenge.

Har sadak par, har gali mein ghoom kar;
Uske seene mein hee ghar banaynge.

Uski baaten sunke yeh dil ne kaha;
Waqt-e-rukhsat se na ab bach payenge.

Jab karega chaand ka koi bhi zikr;
Aasmaan pe hum hi nazar aayenge.

Jiski aankhon hai basi hai duniya saari,
Uske aankhon mein na ab bas payenge.

Awaargi chubhti nahin ab raat din;
Aur naye khanjar kai aazmaayenge.

Walking through the mist.

2006-09-12T08:25:00.000+05:30

It has been a misty morning ever since it started.

No, not that the mausam was misty, but the head was clouded with a blue haze. Nothing seemed to be clear, and the vision was blurred to an extent that I started trusting my brain more than my eyes. It is so much fun to see in the mist, and yet believe what we visualize in our minds.

As always said, we see what we want to see.

But then, life is not about what we want. Life is about what we get.

Main Sochta thaa mera naam gunguna rahee hai wo.
Na Jaane Kyon laga mujhe ke muskura rahee hai wo.

I thought that someone was murmuring my name, but then i felt that it was just a smile. A smile which I did not understand. So I waited to the mist to clear down, but it did not.

A lot was due; and will remain due in my heart.

Sholon pe chalna thaa, Kaanto pe sona thaa,
Aur abhi jee bhar ke, kismat pe rona thaa.

Jaane aise kitne, baaki chhor ke kaam....

Good Morning

Unaccpetable Apologies

2006-09-10T21:01:00.000+05:30

What is the limit ? When will darkness go ?

2006-09-09T17:10:00.000+05:30

Listening to kishore kumar once again. And once again, this is one of those days, when sadess doesnt seem to go away.

Kahaan Tak Yeh Man Ko Andhere Chhalengey
Udaasi Bhare Din Kabhi To Dhalengey

Yes, someday, this sadness will have to give way to light.

BUT ... happiness is just not interested in me now.

I guess, this too will pass...

But if it does not, I would live with it.

Maybe Not.

Give me a wall of silence, I deserve it.
Let me bang my head onto it every day.

Jitni bhi inaaayat hai, meharbaani hai.

2006-08-28T18:03:00.000+05:30

Jitni bhi inaaayat hai, meharbaani hai,
Chhoti si hee sahi, zindagaani hai.

Tere aate hi khil uthi thi bahaar
Gunah-e-shauq ki yehi kahani hai.

Hum jaakar bhi na jaa paye kabhi,
Apne dil ki tau hamne maani hai

Kuchh sard mausam ka asar hai dil par;
Aur phir hawa bhi tau barfaani hai

Tere hothon ko chookar jo lamha guzra;
Wohi lamha tau bas ik nishaani hai

Uske dil mein jitni mohabbat thee;
Aaj aakhon mein utna paani hai

Uska aana, aur phir ek baar chala jaana
Uski chahat mein ek rawaani hai

Augusr 28, 2006

Raat Bhar

2006-08-25T11:26:00.000+05:30

Gham ka aalam chhaa raha hai is qadar,
Jee mein aata hai ke bhatke raat bhar.

Chaand dekha tau sukoon aane laga;
Wo akela, hum akele, raat bhar;

Yoon tau raaste mein kai ghar mile;
Uska ghar aaya na lekin raat bhar.

Rafta Rafta zakhm saare bhar gaye,
Dard badhta hee raha par raat bhar.

His so called life

2006-08-24T12:59:00.000+05:30

Just revisiting what I wrote back few years ago, and remembering. A chicken hearted person always remain the same I guess. A chicken cannot become a lion, no matter how much he tries to mimic the roar.

His so called life

He is planning to write a small biography
and call it. An Idiots guide to desperation
While drinking makes it simpler to yell out,
An iron shoe would be better to kick
But.. to yell on whom, and whom to kick,
where all are his own, his own people, can he ?
He cant - sorry heart!, He cant hurt them anyways.
A chicken hearted idiot lives his 'so called life'

Afternote

Truth, as I see, does hurt, and it is hurting me, and it is ok I guess. I must trust words more than actions. Ok, none of us is too much into it anymore, atleast as much as we believed about each other. Just passing some good nice friendly and lovely moments.

Everyday is a learning day. We grow everyday. Today I grew another inch taller, with the understanding that I am drilling into my head. We all do not really mean what we say. What we see everyday may not be as true as it seems.

If I am overflowing, I would check the leakage in my head. Maybe put a cork on stop the overflow. Or maybe use an electronic flow regulator to ensure I don't overflow my thoughts.

Balance, is the key, and I will have less chances to fall. if I am as balanced as my counterpart on the other side of the see-saw. If I overdo, all shall fall.

But as of now, I do not intend to leave or be left.

Tomorrow maybe another story. I would live it when it comes.
Anyone of us can hop out of the see-saw, naturally.

The Evening

2006-08-22T23:03:00.000+05:30

Today, I remember the small verse by Gulzar, that he wrote about an evening. Even my evenings sometimes pass like this, till my nightangle comes and announces the rise of the night.

What is an evening afterall? Just an orphaned phase of time, left behind by the day, or a filler before the night comes?

As Gulzar says it -

An Evening

Day abandons it
Night disowns it

A poet picks it up
threads it
into a poem;

but sometimes
it is barren,

so impotent
it gives nothing,
not even to the poet.

- Gulzar
----------

Most of my evenings have given me a night , but there have been a few evenings, that simply stayed with my sadness, just the way it was today. The night came and has gone away halfway, but the evening is still here, hanging midway, laughing at my madness.

Follow The Leader. - Ego Booster Session

2006-08-22T17:02:00.000+05:30

Walking on the superhighway of life, sometimes I tend to be insensitive to the limitations of mediocrity. The frustration that hits me when I face mediocrity in people I have admired around me, takes a toll. I become doubtful about the originality of thoughts.

Wheel could have been invented only once, but it inspired a revolution that changed the world. Most people today hate to re invent the wheel, and would intelligently prefer to get the inspiration and invent something based on an earlier discovery. It does look like a smart move, but then even to get inspired, mediocrity needs a set of guidelines to walk straight.

Although I enjoy my capability to independently arrive at and understand concepts that would normally have to be taught by others, I must learn to understand that others who are around may not in tune with my thoughts. And with all the exercise to walk slower and be with people has only helped me to downgrade to mediocrity.

This is not really comfortable, and I need to speed up, even if I lead my fellow beings. The journey of my fellows to be my followers starts once again.

First Love

2006-08-21T20:11:00.000+05:30

Just read somewhere

There is nothing holier in this life of ours than the first consciousness of love.

If it is so, then may it be that way. To disturbs the holy is not right. I don't think its right to stand in the way of first love.

Personally speaking, I do not even remember who was my first love. I have been loving and living everyone that came in my life, so I would never be able to pinpoint a first love. But I guess, I would definitely say that I have been lucky in love, almost always.

Men will be men. I loved to be in love, and hated to commit. I loved to give wherever I could, right at that moment, but without a tomorrow. A tomorrow, as I feel, hurts as hell. So I learnt to love today, without a tomorrow. But could I ever stop a tomorrow? No. Tomorrow always comes. Today is my yesterday's tomorrow.

But then, first love has its own set of desires, expectations and romance. It has a unique passionate scent of its own, spreading all over, lingering timelessly over many years.

Ye pehle pyaar ki khushbu,
teri saanso se jo aa rahee hai .............

Wish i knew more of this song, and this feeling too, but I cared so less about it that it definitely lost it.

Read somewhere else ...

"First romance, first love, is something so special to all of us, both emotionally and physically, that it touches our lives and enriches them forever." - Rosemary Rogers

Let this enrichment live and grow forever.

Kanpur ke joote - The shoes from Cawnpore ( As britishers said it )

2006-08-18T18:34:00.000+05:30

Much before Independence ( of India ), britishers had known the quality of shoes made in kanpur ( They said - Cawnpore ). The shoes were strong, for army purpose, could be used for long time and were perfect fits without a pinch.

They also had another quality. They were used to hit the Indians hard who did not react to the gore saab as per his whims and fancies.

The localites of north India had a sher ( verse ) popular in themselves.

Kanpur ke joote, banaane ke sazaa;
Pehen ne se zyada, khaane ka maaza.

( The fun/punishment of making these kanpur shoes, is that even if we could not enjoy wearing them ourselves, we are enjoying the beating we get out of them )

In the words of Sahir,

Jo Taar Se Nikli Hai, Woh dhun Sab Ne Suni Hai;
Jo Saaz Pe Guzri Hai, Woh Kis Dil Ko Pata Hai.

( Everyone has appreciated the tune that the strings produced, but no one knows what the instrument would have gone thorough, when the strings trembled into melody. )

Sometimes I feel like questioning myself, why? But I guess I already have all the answers.

Why would someone take all the shit and still be with an open hearted acceptance, but isnt that way what love is?

Sitam ya karam husn waalon ki marzi,
Yehi soch ke koi shikwna na karna;
Sitamgar salamat rahe husn tera,
Yehi usko mitne se pehle dua de ...

I have seen it even before, years ago.

The accpetance comes from heart, and it defies all logic, all analysis.

Driving away, looking at the rear view mirror, where life passes by.

2006-08-13T17:03:00.000+05:30

After a lot of days, I was alone again. Just with myself.

Many tiny moments from recent past came out of the closet, and urged me to do for a lone drive once again. As I took to the wheel, and geared the drive, it was the same usual feeling. One eye on the front road, where I need to go, and the other on the rear view mirror, where the life was passing me by.

Thoughts played hide and seek, wondering, why doesn't life have a back gear. Well, in a way its good that life cannot move back, else most of us would be simply moving from present to past and then to present, and so on, moving in circles.

Is there anything I would want to change in my past. Maybe.... Maybe not... Let me explore and find out a few things which were pure pain. Hmmm, thinking, this one, no... That one,.. errr no.. Guess that one.. No. None of them was pure pain. In fact the ratio of pain to pleasure was too much in favor of happiness. Guess, I would love to change nothing in my past, maybe, because if it would not have happened, I would not have been what I am today.

As I drove by, the rear view mirror zipped across a lot of tunnels of mind. The way in the front was much more fascinating; undiscovered, yes inviting. As evening approached, I reached a crossing with many ways, but this time it was easy to choose. Just pumped the accelerator to the one with a signboard that said BAR OPEN. This could be a new intoxication.

I would (try to) rest here for a while, and then move ahead.

Atleast I wish to... Move ahead.
So does everyone else.

The Kiss...

2006-08-12T18:47:00.000+05:30

Holding your face in my hands, gently, yet firmly, when my lips meet yours, and my tongue gently slips inside your 'so sure' lips, the lips suck the nectar of love, our eyes close to feel the passion.

The soft and titillating bite that you do to my lips makes me curl my tongue around yours. Our tongues break free into individual identities and engulf each other into their own passionate lovemaking. Your lips firmly grip to mine, making a perfect 'made for each other' fit. Slowly, the juices flow and the tongue war gets heats harder and deeper to explore the inner self of each other. The sensuality of the tongue increases manifolds as my lips suck your tongue in my mouth softly.

The kiss goes on......

I should better get lost.

2006-08-05T11:14:00.000+05:30

Get Lost.
I feel like telling myself over and over again. Get Lost.

No matter how polite life can be, it sucks.

I have been a great friend to myself, till I found a better one. And now that I have to be alone, I feel like telling myself to get lost, once again.

No one has the right to question me why I would get lost. Not even me.

I am fed up of making sand castles on the beach and seeing the washed away.

Guess, I should walk into the sea of people, and get lost in the crowd. I better get lost before my good days start and things start to turn my way.

Untraceble, Untouchable. Time to get lost, once again.

Sour Grapes - Looking for an Ideal Deterrent

2006-08-04T11:10:00.000+05:30

The idea of having a deterrent clicked for a while. I am thinking about it now.

But the deterrent I was suggested was future related, and I have seen, time and again, that there is no future. I mean, no one knows how future turns, so matter what seeds we sow at times.

So I thought, what are the deterrents in the present times ( rather than future deterrents ) that can pull me back to the closet. Thinking about vices, as talked, can be a good deterrent. Just the way, the mention of cigar smoking helped as a temporary deterrent, I can start looking for points in the present and reality, points that are factually correct and not likeable, points that I strongly dislike, and they may have an influence on me to deter myself.

I need to align my eyes to see a different perspective, that is negative, in whatever attracts me. It is like when I see that juicy burger in the McDonald advert, I have to think of that extra calories it is going to pump inside me.

Maybe when I think of the passionate embraces, an automatic trigger should start reminding me of the fact that .... hmmm let me think what should deter me from that .... hmmmm ... aaaa... oooo... ooops .. Cannot think of a deterrent for this one. LOL.

But yes, looking into the negative points of what attracts me can help me the most to stop myself. I feel sure about this treatment of what ails me.

It is like thinking... You are bad, instead of thinking.. Why cant I get the best ......

Its like behaving like the fox in the 'Sour Grapes' story... Remember that one?

I got to list what's bad, ugly, stupid, horrid, negative in people that I feel are the best, beautiful, intelligent, brave, and very attractive.

A new approach.. Hope this one lasts... atleast till you get over the fox in me.

A Loser's Deal

2006-08-03T12:12:00.000+05:30

I loved the deal, even If cannot do anything about it.

How practical can one get. Amazing.

Gimme what I want, and you get what you want.

Simple, Honest, Straightforward.
------------------------------------

To me, this deal sounded like -
Gimme what I want and then I would accept the attention you give to me. - LOL..

Like any other coward under the sky, I decided to duck and let the deal pass.

Let someone more worthy catch the deal.

I surely overdo things. That is what needs to be cured in my nature.

In the past, someone had said - Do not crowd me with your attention.
Six years later, I hear the echo again.

Anyways, I dont like working today, so would just go out and try out new things.

Things change on a daily basis in life.
Now a days, the sun sets in a different mood everyday , and rises from a different direction every morning. Recently, the sun was rising from the west. Guess soon, it would start rising from the south.
And moon, it flooded me with the soft moonlight for almost a month, without a break, and then ... boooom... gone out .
Look at the stars, what are they doing in the broad daylight? Are they not suppose to come at night? And why are they floating around my desk. LOL...

Guess I know what has caused it. Yes, the imbalance. But I know. it snot just me. I mean It WAS not just me.