Living the intoxication - for now

My thoughts are setting my half closed eyes into a mood from the subconcious. The practicality of life is getting blurred as the intoxicated sleep is taking me over to half cooked dreams. It feels like floating effortlessly on the ganga, in a white sheet.

No activity, no effort, but very alive to the core. Just floating to my destination, or should I call my destiny, my calling, or just my dreams.

It is like stepping into the crossover mirror of time and space, where the subcouncious mind takes over the concious mind, and I let myself be myself, for sometime atleast.

Few lines, from Madhushala, humming in the back of my mind -

आज सजीव बना लो, प्रेयसी, अपने अधरों का प्याला,
भर लो, भर लो, भर लो इसमें, यौवन मधुरस की हाला,

और लगा मेरे होठों से भूल हटाना तुम जाओ,
अथक बनू मैं पीनेवाला, खुले प्रणय की मधुशाला

Furthermore....

सुमुखी तुम्हारा, सुन्दर मुख ही, मुझको कन्चन का प्याला
छलक रही है जिसमंे माणिक रूप मधुर मादक हाला,

मैं ही साकी बनता, मैं ही पीने वाला बनता हूँ
जहाँ कहीं मिल बैठे हम तुम़ वहीं गयी हो मधुशाला

Intoxication unlimted makes the world looks drunk all around. And why do I hold myself back. I have to hold myself back, and have so many reasons to it. There is a real world too, that has a slot for me. Something like a drawer where I sleep, wake up, live and be what I am supposed to be.

Moreover there are other reasons. It looks like I am becoming an irritant factor to many a people. My actions, though seem ok to me, do bore others, and they do ask me silently - Hey, why the hell you can't be normal.

I simply smile and let the questioning silence pass.

The irritation I set into others, will eventually make people get bored of me. And then, I would tell myself in a complaining tone....

दो दिन ही मधु मुझे पिलाकर ऊब उठी साकीबाला,
भरकर अब खिसका देती है वह मेरे आगे प्याला,

नाज़, अदा, अंदाजों से अब, हाय पिलाना दूर हुआ,
अब तो कर देती है केवल फ़र्ज़ -अदाई मधुशाला

But it is all due to my mind, as it is all in my mind. The mind is the most powerful of all the forces, and when it is intoxicated, it sees just what it wants to see.

I am enjoying my intoxication, as of now. When I wake up soon, I would surely have a hangover, and then, I guess all would be ok. I would tell myself that i have got more than what my destiny had.

लिखी भाग्य में जितनी बस उतनी ही पाएगा हाला,
लिखा भाग्य में जैसा बस वैसा ही पाएगा प्याला,

लाख पटक तू हाथ पाँव, पर इससे कब कुछ होने का,
लिखी भाग्य में जो तेरे बस वही मिलेगी मधुशाला।

And then, sometime when I am able to complete my job, my work, my projects, ......

यम आयेगा साकी बनकर साथ लिए काली हाला,
पी न होश में फिर आएगा सुरा-विसुध यह मतवाला,

यह अंितम बेहोशी, अंतिम साकी,अंतिम प्याला है,
पथिक, प्यार से पीना इसको फिर न मिलेगी मधुशाला


So, I am looking forward to the last of the best times of my life.

And after that .. Life starts once again.... I know what I want is not for me, the way I wanted it.. So its ok ..

I would never want to ruin anyone else's happiness. Even if it is in the future.

नहीं चाहता, आगे बढ़कर छीनूँ औरों की हाला,
नहीं चाहता, धक्के देकर, छीनूँ औरों का प्याला,

साकी, मेरी ओर न देखो मुझको तिनक मलाल नहीं,
इतना ही क्या कम आँखों से देख रहा हूँ मधुशाला।

What I have, is ok for me.

What I get is more than I deserve.

What I do not get, was never meant to be.

Just want to keep the dream in my eyes, till they get closed.