The more than half empty glass

The glass being half full or half empty has always been different perspectives for the same thing. I have been a strong approver of the half – full point of view; but it seems to change now.
I am noticing the glass being less than half now, and receding level is going down every time I see it. It looks like it is more than half empty now. Feels like the sand in the hourglass is slipping in the lower cup with an increased pulse beat.

Pessimism looks more like realism to me. I guess, whenever words like ' All would be O.K.' come out of my mouth by habit, my ears shrug in disbelief. My eyes open wide and question my mind.
Just like everything, is this just a passing phase, or this is the final phase,I have no idea. Looks like I have seen everything in life, and just have to live by the rest of the days, months or years, gaping at the nothingness I have created for myself.

I guess I wanted too much from life, and life gave it to me -Too much to think about.

I gulped the happiness in the glasses, and made it further empty for me. And now. the nothingness in the glass of life is overpowering the something left in the glass.

Just for clicks

Tried my hands on the camera yesterday - have a look.

I would post more pictures whenever i get a chance to shoot

http://picasaweb.google.com/peccadilloguy

Curse

Floating in darkness, I am trying to strike stones and make light, but it just makes sparks. Sparks, that show things in unnatural hues. Wavy shadows howl at me.

For those, I seemed like a blessing sometime ago, it looks like I am becoming a curse for them with time.

I am seeing myself in a new darkness where I look like a devil myself.

I am afraid of myself. Maybe this is just one of the milestones to hell. A few more to cross ...

Guess so.

Vaccum Mornings

The mornings no longer start with a good feeling.

The eyelids just do not raise themselves, down with the weight of the day to come. Life seems to be a losing proposition now a days. Everyday, so much of wastage of precious time, has become a routine. Things that used to excite me most are getting uninteresting now a days. Work is nothing more than an unfulfilled duty, which I just do not feel like doing. The charm in work is missing. The charm in other things is reducing too.

Sometimes I sit and watch myself. Where the hell I am heading to? A big fat stone rolling downhill. At the end of each day, there are hardly any achievements, any satisfaction. On the forefront, things seem normal, but down and inside me, the restlessness has given way to the begin of the great fall.

Putting an end to the journey and killing myself is not the answer to my internal woes, but it has started coming up as an option sometimes. Seems that I cannot take the load of so much of nothingness in me anymore. So much of hollowness inside me is making me afraid of myself. I talk normally to everyone, listen to them, work, eat, and even play; but somewhere, I know I am not heading into a direction that was meant for me. Worse, my responsibilities, that I had considered the biggest work I had to complete, does not stop me from thinking of an end. I do not know what is the solution.

I cant seem to pull myself up and get back to life.

But I promise I will give myself some more try, before I decide to fail and fall.

What a good way to start my day, with a thought of an end so near!

Guess I have to force myself to get into better thoughts and get to work and other things take over, so that these thoughts do not take over me completely.

If nothing helps, I must get up and help myself. At least, I can give myself one more try.

Getting up for a bath, and then over to office again...

Impatience of the moment

My impatience towards a certain aspect of my life is growing boundlessly. I am getting really worse at it. My basic theory to wait for things to happen holds true everywhere, except once facet of my life.

Each minute passes like burning in the hell. I just don’t get controlled. It is getting so bad that I start to hate myself when I get so impatient. Gazing at the clock in my cell, the time just does not pass, like at this moment. I am going insane I know. I am aware that my impatience is such a wasteful activity, as things will happen when are due for.

I am trying to cure, but failing to do so. Each minute refuses to pass away

Just being aware of the harms of my stupid impatience is not helping me. I have to get out of this impatience somehow. I have to learn the value of others time. I am just going out of my limits, quite often now.

God. Help me. Please.

Faith and Doubt

Do I trust most people I know?

Guess I do not. My strong intuition, coupled with my sometimes alert eye often gives me a signal that there is more truth that it meets my eye.

And do my doubts take me away from people?

Guess not really. I try to ask them the truth, and give them a friendly cushion to inculcate mutual trust. It does help.


I find sense in doubting the truth of people, but not letting it interfere it with my relationship to such a level that it breaks into a 'nothing ahead' kind of a situation.

Doubt is a natural outcome of indications we gather from our surroundings, and from our intuition.

I strongly believe that one has to learn to use his doubts as a roadmap to find faith and trust. Doubts are important, as they help us to seek truth. Never doubt your doubts, but avoid them to come in your way to happiness.

I have doubted my closest people, many a times, and then found that sometimes, my doubts are true and sometimes baseless. But in both circumstances, I try to choose the way that has proved to be smoother and less riskier. With time, all truth will come out. I try not to make my doubts become testing ground for my relationships.

Great thinkers have said much about the uselessness of doubt.

“There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt.
Doubt separates people.
It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations.
It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.”
- Buddha (Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.


I have often seen my own doubts melting away in presence of trust, that comes with time. I would rather trust more on my experiences in time, than the momentary doubts that spring up every now and then. After all, It is me who has to choose the way. Do I feel more happy and secure on the way to faith; or on the way to doubt. Often, in most cases, I prefer to doubt, yet carry on. Seldom have I let my doubts about people make me go away. Because I have learned that time does bring out all truth.


Just read somewhere, while looking for answers on the questions on Doubt and Faith.

Doubt sees the obstacles.
Faith sees the way.

Doubt sees the darkest night.
Faith sees the day.

Doubt dreads to take a step.
Faith soars on high.

Doubt questions "Who believes"?
Faith answers "I".

Someone's boring me. I think it's me.

There is no bigger a boredom when all is open before your eyes.
As they say - The best way to be boring is to leave nothing out.

Another quote I read today said -

“Life is intrinsically, well, boring and dangerous at the same time. At any given moment the floor may open up. Of course, it almost never does; that's what makes it so boring.”

I too have become a boring object. I dont find myself interesting any longer. Just like a machine with rusting parts, which, when runs, gives out jarring noise

If I cannot understand how my own mind works, how can anyone else understand it?
I have no reasons to complain to the God, but I want to fight back. I did not need this extra burden that you have given me.

Whenever I saw something happening in my life, I tended to rush into it. Now, when I see that death is another happening, why is my mind avoiding rushing into it? One part of me says, be brave and hug it and kiss it, it is just an event marking the end. The other part remains to live longer.

The urgency to complete my unfulfilled tasks seems to have vanished away. Good that I had that small holiday before this day came. Maybe it was my last wish fulfilled.

The fear of the ultimate end is turning into an attractive black hole. Ready to suck me in it.
The heart is giving away itself, to my ultimate sweetheart, slowly and gradually. It may take few months, or few years, to woo the black fairy of death to carry me with her, and fly me to the great nothingness. The heart that kept on winning is now all set to break down and lose itself.

I would try to live till I die; but I feel dieing every minute, till I am living. The thin line between life and lifelessness seems to be thinning further.

There is going to be life after it too, but I may not be a part of it.

Till then, I sulk and smile, together.

The forbidden extravaganza

The envelop of comfort around me is all wet with tears, soggy enough to get torn anytime. And I really do not know what will happen then. I am living my dream every minute, with closed eyes. The waves of both pleasure and pain are making feel the orgasm of a lifetime. And I know, after this, I shall breakdown into pieces, which may never be gathered again into what i have been, till now. It maybe a new shape, arising with a new structure out of the jigsaw of my shattered pieces. Maybe, nothing would rise from the ashes this time.

The pleasure is so engulfing that I am liking the being blind, being deaf and being speechless.

My ears love to hear one voice, my eyes see one sight, my skin feels one touch, my tongue knows just one taste, and my sense of smell is all into the lingering aroma of my dreams. Nothing else. All I feel is right there in the heart, a torrent of emotions, where I cant distinguish between each emotion individually. There is a unique concoction of the sweetness of honey, the tang of strawberries, the intoxication of cocaine; and much more, which is running down my throat, mixing in my veins and rushing in my blood, like a roaring lion, crazy about the forbidden extravaganza of life.

Am I too much into it? Dunno.