I heard that sad voice, It wanted me to stop you.

I heard that sad whisper. You never wanted to go, You felt as if I will hold you and tell you to stay. but ......

And I know what you muct be passign through.....

Something like......

Main yeh sochkar uske dar se utha tha,
Ke wo rok legi, manaa le gi mujhko.

You thought I would call you back..

Hawaaon mein lehrata aata tha daaman,
ke daaman pakad ke bithaa kegi mujhko.

Kadam Aise andaaz se uth rahe thhe,
ke aawaz dekar bula legi muhjko.

Magar usne rokaa
na usne manaayaa
na aawaaz hii dii,
na wapas bulaya,

I did not call, did not hold you back. It has always been like that. I just could not gather courage to ask you to stop. As always.

main aahistaa aahistaa badhtaa hi ayaa
yahan tak ke usse judaa ho gaya mein.

judaa ho gaya mein...

Zindagi Jab Bhi ...

While driving today, an old ghazal played on the radio, and it is still verymuch fresh in my mind, even right now. It seemed to say what I was thinking of.....

Zindagi jab bhi teri bazm mein laati hai hame,
Ye zamin chaand se behtar nazar aati hai hame

Simply said, Life, whenever it brings me in your company, makes this earth feel better than the moon. The presense of the special one in life makes everything look so rosy and beautiful. The feeling that being loved makes one crave for more.

But... every meeting has a separation towards its end...

Har mulaqaat ka anjaam judai kyon hai,
Ab tau har waqt yehi baat, sataati hai hame..

Passing through a moment of truth. OR Love Thy Robots

It was like a barefoot walk through a bed of burning red charcoal pathway, that just came my way. The pain was intense and the blisters were real.

But.....

There was no lesson, no learning, no mark made.
I was amazed at the speedy recovery I had within few hours, as if it was just a cakewalk.

Maybe, it came my way as the result of my pushing someone else onto this firewalk sometime ago.

I felt like a girl who sleeps with her beloved, only to realize in the morning that that he had covered her face, making love to her, beliveing he is loving madonna, or , maybe some unknown fantasy, or may someone special, but not, definately and not this simple girl.
The feeling of just being an instument was too much to take, but surprisingly, it did not last for long. The accpetance of being just an instrument came real fast because, maybe I got a place finally, I am accepted. I can be useful at times.

Passing through this moment of trustful truth only made me more convinced that I am with the right people around me.

My absense will make path clearer now.

Burning Charcoal,
Under the feet,
Real Blisters
make me smile again.

And if a presense is needed anytime, dig the earth for six feet, check the pusle, and if the battery is still running, dress me up for an occasion.

Love Thy Robots

Hell and beyond.. aka... Happy Birthday.

Anyone, who ignores people that make him happy, in order to make others happy, can never be happy himself. LOL...

At times, life is like is a dream, and there is nothing like truth or lie in a dream.
Today is one such day.

Dil ne humse jo kaha,
humne vaisa hi kiya
Phir kabhi fursat se sochenge...
Bura tha ya bhala

Rains stopped, the sky cleared out and the sun send me a ray of happyness.
I was wishing for it since long.
Then, why am I burning inside?

Roothi raatein,
Roothi hui raaton ko jagaya kabhi,
Tere liye - bithi subah ko bulaya kabhi,
Tere bina bhi,
Tere liye hi,
Diye jalaye raaton mein.

Maine..tere liye hi.....

It keeps me going - To go with the flow

To go with the flow of life, makes me move ahead. One has to try to come to a stage when happyness and sadness do not slow down his pace. Its not easy at this time, but I am trying that ...

Gham aur khushi mein farq na mehsoos ho jahan,

Mein dil ko us mukaam pe laata chala gaya....

Guess its no use to cry over what is gone. Just wannna enjoy the parting away as a party .. LOL.

Barbaadiyon ka sog manaana fizul thaa

Barbaadoyon ka jashn manaata chala gaya...

It's time to see how rain would come and go away without making a splash on me. It is time to expereince that how people remain thirsty sitting next to sea. It is time to see how sun willl rise and I will still be covered by the shadow of my own words I said sometime.

There were times when I have felt as If I want nothing in the world, just you.

Na To Caarvaan Ki Talaash Hai, Na To Humsafar Ki Talaash Hai

Mere Shauq-E-Khaana Kharaab Ko, Teri Rehguzar Ki Talaash Hai

The emotinal security that I feel today, alongwith the sense of belonging I have, is not a myth.

Life gives us happyness and pains, and we dont stop living.

If love gives me all this, why should I stop loving?

Guess, I would keep on going like this, passing through happy and sad times. And as always, would keep on saying ..

Mein Zindagi ka saath nibahta chala gaye

Har fiqr ko dhuuen mein udaata chala gaya..

I have to to with the flow - That's my style.

A Date with Venom

I have a date with venom,
Pure negative spleen force,
Filled with malice in heart,
And showering hatred,
When the winter is on its prime,
And phantasm comes alive,
Armed with evil forces,
The devil would arrive,
Wearing an angel’s mask,
But his eyes would tell
Cold, blue, deep eyes,
Wicked winning smile,
When I hug the devil,
And feel the intense pain,
Stab in my backbone,
Getting deeper, deeper,
Cutting the flesh, ribs,
Cut opening the heart,
A dirty hand in my chest,
Pulls out the fluttering
Butterfly called life,
Hold it tight, gripping,
The arrogant winner
Pulling out the hand,
Rip open my rib cage,
And take a flight back.
Congrats Devil, You won.

- Saturday, August 17, 2002

What's Life - without a pain to live for and a tear to die for.

Jab dard nahin thaa seene mein,

Tab khaak mazaa thaa jeene mein;

Abke Shayad, Ham bhi roye...

Saawan ke mahine mein.

This monsoon, the eyes will join the crowd of clouds and rain a lot.

But then, the sweetest songs are those that are sad.

Hai Sabse madhur wo geet jinhe,

Hum dard ke sur mein gaate hain....

Jab had se gizar jaati hai khushi,

Aanso hi chhalakte aate hain....

The Right Match

Chaahe Jo Tumhe Poore Dil Se
Milta Hai Woh Mushkil Se

Aisa Jo Koi Kahin Hai
Bas Vahi Sabse Hasin Hai

Us Haath Ko Tum Thaam Lo
Woh Meherbaan Kal Ho Na Ho

It is not easy to find someone who loves you, so it is better to forget your love that cannot give you anything, and go with someone who can give you a new lease of life.

What is more important is to know who can give you what you want.

Over time, we see that there are people who may get attached to us along our path, but one has to see what one wants. Sort, choose and select the one who can fulfil yoru desires, rather that someone who hisself is dependent on you.

It is no use carrying empty plastic water bottles. Once the water is finished, you are supposed to trash them, as their purpose is over.

How to sort?

Make a list of people who can fulfil your wishes, and then arrange them in order as per the attention, care, facilities, social status and character. Slowly, with time, you will see some of those figures rising from the crowd of suitors.

Then test the selected on your whims and fancies and pick the topper.

Us Haath Ko Tum Thaam Lo

Woh Meherbaan Kal Ho Na Ho

Dil cheez hai kya jaana

This is one of those old ghazals which became popular, thanks to its remixed version by Bally Sagoo. The ghazal speaks of the pain of love and separation. I would try to put my understanding of these verses below each of them.


Dil Cheez Hai Kya Jaana
Yeh Jaan Bhi Tumhari Hai
Teri Baahon Main Dam Niklay
Hasrat Yeh Humari Hai

My heart is just nothing, the life belongs to you. The only desire I have is to be in your arms, when I breath last.

This sounds pretty unrealstic to real practical world, but then, when one is goign through the agony of separation, it just feels so.

Roti Hoon Tadapti Hoon
Bujhti Hi Nahin Zaalim
Ik Raat Judai Ki
Sau Raat Say Bhari Hai

I cry and feel uneasy as it just does not pass away; the night of separation is heavier to me that hundreds of nights.

Phoolon Ki Qadar Poocho
Us Dard Kay Maaray Say
Jis Shakhs Nay Kaanton Pay
Ik Umer Guzari Hai

This is one of the most touching stanza in this ghazal,atkeast as I feel. It says the we need to ask the value of flowers from the person who has spent the whole night on thorns ( relate to the previous stanza ).

Only the one who has felt the pain of separation can value the happyness of even momentry togetherness.

Ghum Ishq-o-Mohabbat Kay
Chalo Pooch Layn Sadiq Say
Ik Bazi Mohabbat Ki
Us Shakhs Nay Haari Hai

The sadness of love can be asked by the poet himself, who has lost the game of love. The poet ( sadiq ) felt the separation of his beloved and penned down his feelings.

Teri Baahon Main Dam Niklay
Hasrat Yeh Humari Hai
Dil Cheez Hai Kya Jaana
Yeh Jaa'n Bhi Tumhari Hai

This gazal, ever since i heard it years ago, in its remixed version has been a part of my collection. I am still looking for the orignal version which I did not get as yet.

Isn't this the way to live? Jeena issi ka naam hai.

Rishta dil se dil ke aitbaar ka
Zinda hai hameen se naam pyaar ka

Ke mar ke bhi kisi ko yaad aayenge
Kisi ke aansuon mein muskuraayenge

Kahega phool har kali se baar baar
Jeena issi kaa naam hai

Whenever I hear this, it guides me. Since childhood, I have been tempted to feel this song inside me and I try my efforts in small affodable attempts. Although what you read above is actualy the last stanza of the song, that that moves me the most.

The full song goes like this.

Kisiki muskuraahaton pe ho nisaar
Kisika dard mil sake to le udhaar

Kisike waaste ho tere dil mein pyaar
Jeena issi ka naam hai

--

Maana apni jeb se fakeer hain
Phir bhi yaaron dil ke ham ameer hain

Mitte jo pyaar ke liye woh zindagi
Jale bahaar ke liye woh zindagi

Kisi ko ho na ho hamein to aitbaar
Jeena issi kaa naam hai

-- and then, the stanza that I wrote on the top of the post.

Something from the past. - True Then - True Now.

Life moves on…And moves ahead..

It started moving the evening when the iron wheels of the train grunted and exerted hard to take you to your way of life. It was tough for them as my attachment was pulling you behind... But life would not let itself stop. It pushed the train and helped it speedup.

I found my feet stuck on the platform, but eventually, as life would have it, I walked along, with the illusive feeling that I will preserve what I have. I would hold the sand in my grip, and I was sure.

Life walked and presented me a bouquet of surprises, all along my way. I opened my grip, to hold the bouquet, and the wet sand slipped away. I moved ahead, keeping a little piece of wet sand, safe in the lines of my hand, believing it was mine.
Far behind, a prince charming stood, with love in his heart and desires that could win the world. He sat on the ground, picked up the sand, kissed it and kept it in a silver packet, and tied it to his neck. God tapped him on his shoulder and blessed him for the care he had.

I watched through the screen of my computer while the net played the cupid. The god announced his plans and I witnessed the celestial celebrations from my little window.

Stars would gather and play the mates of the groom, while the moon would seat the princess in its lap. The chariot of seven celestial horses would bring the prince for the eternal union. Clouds would gather around and make the pavilions for the angels, gods and holy men to be seated and bless the couple. A perfect night that destiny has designed.

The sun, meanwhile would light some other part of the world, making a day shine somewhere else, but would reflect his light and wishes through the spectacular moon.
Life moves… even more happily.

Koi unse kehde hame bhool jayen

Waade Bhula De Kasam Tod De Woh
Haalat Pe Apni Hamein Chhod De Woh

Aise Jahaan Se Kyon Hum Dil Lagaayen
Koi Unse Keh De...

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Its no fun showing me the mirror of my past.

I know what I had said, what I meant and how it all changed.

I dont think I want to take any more history lessons.

Period.

A song that makes me feel a reflection.

Yahi ishq di marzi hain

yahi rab di marzi hain

tere bin jina kaisa

kya khudgarzi hai

tune kya kar daala

mar gayi main

mit gayi main

teri deewani ... teri deewani..

I have been listening to the 'Teri Diwani' from Kailasa multiple times. It simply shows me the conflict within. I am reminded of Chanchal's redention of Bulle Shah's kaafi, years ago. ( from film bobby).

Aag se ishq baraabar dono

Par paani aag bujhaaye

Aashiq ke jab aansoo nikle

Aur agan lag jaaye

When someone is love, cries, it even burns more...

Tere saamne baithke rona

Dil ka dukhda nahin kholna

Dholna, ve mein nahin bolna

( I will not cry in front of you, I will not tell you my pains, I will not speak to you )

Isnt this what you meant to say that day?

Is it Over...... Guess so ... Yes

It took me almost a few days to understand the meaning of what you said in a very straight forward way - I will not speak to you again.

I kept in thinking, discussing, talking about the break up but never believed it inside. It just wasn't sinking in.I think I know what it means. I just did not want to believe it.

It's Over.

We have worked hard on building this huge distance and today when our work is almost on the verge of success, I was not able to see it. The break up is successful. It's over now.

I am not going to keep anything that reminds me of good old days again. ( LOL .. What a liar I am ).

But yes, I am glad you could dump me finally. And grown out of the shadow.You had your final say and like all good arrows and words that don't come back once shot out, it hit the right spot.

Just that .... it took a few days for me to let the thing sink in.

You had declared the freedom from this mess that day, but maybe I did not realize it. Even though I was trying to talk the break up. But now I know you are serious. You want no shadows now, no tangles, no mess.

And yes, I understand that we wont be friends anymore now, even though I thought that could happen.

I hold no grudges, no hard feelings and no regret now. Just that I hold a feeling that I will try to retain as long as I can - The feeling of a loss.

Just that - it will take a little more time for me to stop looking at places that I thought we would visit when you come.. LOL. ( Just Joking ).

Walk ahead, Walk straight. Walk Upright. Never Turn Back.

-------------------

An Afternote:

Just read my horoscope on that site... a paragraph said

"As you begin July, you seem to be unsure about which way to go concerning a major plan or important relationship. You may be of two minds about it, or you may feel you don't have enough information to make a decision.

As they say, "When in doubt, do nothing." That's the strong, sure advice the universe is sending you in July, and you should heed it. Even if you THINK you know the answer, the situation is fluid and changeable. Yesterday's truths aren't necessarily going to hold up tomorrow, so keep your ear to the ground."

P.S. I now realize that Madhyantar Blog was a bad idea. But I would continue with it till I can. I will write more, as and when I feel like.

How am I feeling?

How am I supposed to feel? I don't know.

I am feeling like a loser. But it will pass.

I could have replied by a message, but that would have failed the efforts by everyone.

Today, I kept on thinking about something that's not possible. Atleast it does not seem possible now.

LOL... a vacation... Banglore, maybe hyderabad, maybe jaipur.. LMAO...

Get Lost Peccadillo - You don't deserve it anymore. And what good a vacation will do? Another disaster. How many more guilt(s) can I carry on my head? No, not anymore.

Go Life Go.

The Time Play

Last night, the clock stopped for sometime.

The moments became independent of the time stream and started jumping around me. They scattered themselves all around the room, playing mischievously, the mind games. They were in no mood to pass by and settle. Worse, they invited a few moments from the past to play with them.

Soon, the room was filled up with all kinds of moments, just born moments from today, a little older ones from a few months ago and then a lot of much older ones. They kept on jumping on the floor, on the window, sofas and even my laptop like happy kids, all in the mood to play.

I was trying to chase them, catch them and put them back in the memory clock, but it was so tiring, so stressful. Finally, I broke down and sat in a corner, watching them.

They did not seem to talk to each other, just jumping from one place to another like identifiable ping pong balls, all over the place. Some of them came to make me smile, while others mocked at me, laughed and pinched me. One of the moments was surely a very seductive one that kept on telling me I am coward, and then there was this recent one that told me I was brave and strong.

Then, something happened.

Some moments collided with each other and a riot started, fighting, bumping. The cute ping pong balls turned into iron shells as if shot from an old rusty canon, hitting every place around, splattered many other moment balls. Slowly, groups emerged, and I noticed that these were time based groups. Moments from each timeframe were fighting the moments from the other groups. The present was fighting the past and the middle phases were begin crushed brutally. The pink blood splashed all over the walls and the blue flesh splattered around.

My patience was getting worse. I got up and switched myself off with a pill. Slowly, moments started behaving themselves and qued up to walk back into the clock. I walked into the sleep as the clock started ticking again.

Good Night. Good Morning.

When a Tuesday feels like a Monday

It is strange. On the second thought, it is not that strange too.

It feels like I have just returned from a huge leisure and pleasure holiday last night, and today I got to work at office. Not that I am lazy or something, but this holiday feeling that I experienced in my yesterday's afterthoughts, is lingering on like a refreshing addictive aroma around my mind. Its all hazy and my senses are struggling hard to realize that the surprise holiday is over.

It always happens that way I guess. The Monday morning feeling after a great Sunday. Know what, this time Monday came on a Tuesday. LOL.

At the end of it, I am weaker but the moments will pass. As someone told me yesterday, its just this moment, and it will pass.

I feel like a raindrop just landed on ground, splashed after a great thrilling fall from the sky.
It was good when I was on the cloud, but then all clouds must break and let the raindrops fall down, just like tears flushing the emotional outburst.

This moment will pass. This moment will pass. This moment will pass.

I continue chanting the mantra which was whispered in my ear(phone) during the fall. This moment will pass.

The Telepathic Telegrams

The telepathic telegrams that often left me in awe, in the past, and had slowly come to settlement of existence, will slowly wave off. These telepathic messages are often a result of an improved ESP between humans that think too much of each other.

Yesterday evening, I wanted someone from my recent past to be present at my that moment of fear. This resulted in immense pain to that person but I received call. How selfish I could get. I have to learn to deactivate my telepathic esp now.

Telepathic abilities are in all of us. If we practice them, they bring results beyond our belief. And if we try to avoid them, they will put themselves to a relaxation mode.

When the thoughts are controlled during the madhyantar, and will not focus on a single point of contact, the invisible telepathic messenger lines will blur off and the ESP will lose its focal point.

When most people try to improve their ESP and send messages telepathically, I am trying to take a reverse trend.

Its time to unsharpen my focus.