What is Victory?

Many minds, many thoughts, many views…


Is victory something like getting what we want, at some cost we can afford it? Sometimes it feels that no cost is too big to get what we want to win over. But this is not true.

To a slave country, victory could mean getting freedom. On the other hand, to an independent country, victory could mean success, financial or otherwise. Victory, I guess, is just a state of mind, post achievement of an effort, and unfortunately, this state of mind does not last too long.


It could be a small daily life event, or a life changing situation; to fight it out and to come successful is one of the most witnessed ways to be victorious.

Victory could also be coming out as a survivor from a tough condition. Survival too is a form of victory. Survival of the self, in spite of not being the best, (in contradiction to the survival of the fittest theory) , is also a victory in its own sense.

Sometimes, winning over the self is also a victory. The fight within self, not to enter a war, not to be a part of the race, the fight to make oneself sit tight and not to take a plunge , is also a victory. It is a victory of the self, and is the most selfless kinds.

To me, victory is always relative to the endeavor one undertakes, to achieve a certain state of mind, whose desire has driven the mind into action towards an achievement.

Seems like, Victory over the self is what goes the longest way, and surpasses the smallness of the time span of happiness of victories over others.

Our Shadows Follow Us

Some old lines are coming in my mind again and again.

We all have one life. We have the right to live it to our satisfaction.

The question is - What is satisfaction?

And, remember .. we have to pay back everything here itself... in this one life itself.


अपनी ही करनी का फल है - नेकियां रुस्वईयां।
आप के पीछे चलेगीं, आप की परछाईयाँ ।

Our shadows follow.. whereever we go, Whatever we do.
And there shadows do get darker when the sun is about to set.

Exhausted Fulfillment

I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious.

- Vince Lombardi

What is more important, winning or the war itself?

Now a days, I see my ideas conflicting with my basics. Being a traveler, I have always preferred the journey over the destination. I have never been too much of a subscriber of the target driven thoughts and ways of life. I have always believed that life, and each of its phases, is a part of a journey, and there is no real destination, no real targets. Each target, each point we cross is just a milestone. One after an other, every mile, there is a rock that says, destination – couples of miles away. I hardly remember seeing a milestone saying – Guy – You have arrived. And even if there were some, that said similarly, my feet never let my mind trust them. I always felt there was more to the journey, than to a destination.

Now a days, I see my mind getting into a constant conflict with itself. I am walking on a way that has no milestones painted. Guess it is an uncharted path, in the realms of the dark side of an enlightened mind. I am into a never-before jungle, with no paths defined, no markers, no guidemaps, and ofcourse, no signs of a destination. This makes me uneasy, and a new desire, to actually seek a destination is cropping up inside me. I see my views shuffling themselves fast. I feel like using my learnings to make a map, and chart a course to an unknown destination.
I see myself taking out my mental samurai, and fighting the dark branches of trees and make a way. I see ghosts of the unknown sorts trying to scare me of getting into any direction. The loss of the path is increasing my urge to seek a destination. Surprisingly, I do not want this destination to be a resting dormitory. Something in me tells that I can sleep there till I wake to the ultimate nothingness.

The war with the unknown truths of my mind and making me seek a win. I am surprised at my own views, constantly changing. Selfishly moving the samurai, I try to find a way, only to realize that the blades are cutting and bleeding the bonds I had made for my strength, all along in past few journeys.

Thinking of the ultimate win, I stand alone, holding my samurai, stained with blood, on the remains of my journeys. I can visualize the truth of winning a war, when I do get the great nothingness, but no sleep. In the process, I seem to have wounded my soul too. Or did I ever have a soul? I search my body, inside out, all pockets, all parts, mind, heart, everywhere, no soul.

No soul – Only Win. - Is it the destination I wish to chart? Guess Not.

But now, I have no way. No path, and no destination any more. The desire to win has also given away.

All I can do is dig a grave, and sit besides it, waiting for another storm, to wade me into it.
Or maybe I want to wake up and start walking again? I don't feel I have the stamina.
Maybe for losers, it is neither the war, not the winning that is important. It is just being a loser that one has to settle for.

Cause winning has a price, and and I am going broke.

A loser
A walker.
A lose walker.
A walking loser.
Whatever.

The incompleteness of the seemingly fulfilling life

Often Quoted -

कभी किसी को मुक्क्मल जहाँ नहीं मिलता,
कहीँ ज़मीन तो कहीँ आसमान नहीं मिलता।

Everybody and anybody has witnessed the truth behind the above lines, yet we run after the 'everything' and seemingly let the smaller moments of happiness pass by, unnoticed.

The life itself, is such a fulfilling track of events, happy and sad; yet we try to inflate it like a baloon, till it is just about to burst. Then, we try to fill in stuff into it, and stuff it like a rugsack. Once full, we shake it a little, press is here and there, and make more space in it, trying to fill in a little more. We peep into the sack of life, see that extra space we have created, and give ourselves another illuion of still more emptyness. There is still so much that I can fill in my life, when everyone else has so much. Just cant feel satisfied.

We pick up most stuff from the shelves, and stuff it further. The moment seem to fulfilling. And the moments sink into the rugsack of life, settleong themselves in small spaces. Satisfied, we pick the sack, heavier than before, on our already burdened back, and carry it a few steps further. Tired, we keep it down a rest a little while. Curious, we peep into the sack again. Some movements, and time, seemed to have settled the last set of happening, and we see still more space...

Alas.. my life is still so empty .... We start the cycle again.. stuffing it with whatever we get.

Why can't we be happy with what we have। We have so much to enjoy, including the space, instead of stuffing our lives with so much just because the rest of the world has it?

I guess, life itself has given me so much, including the most beautiful pain I can live my life with. Each pang has its own charm, each pinch has its own smile.

So, guess ... instead of ..

कभी किसी को मुक्क्मल जहाँ नहीं मिलता,
कहीँ ज़मीन तो कहीँ आसमान नहीं मिलता।

I would better say ..

शुक्रिया ए प्यार तेरा शुक्रिया,
दिल को इतना खूबसूरत गम दिया।

आंख को आंसू दिए जो मोतियों से कम नहीं,
दिल को इतने गम दिए के अब कोई भी गम नहीं
मेहरबान जो कुछ किया, अच्छा किया।
शुक्रिया ए प्यार तेरा शुक्रिया,


जिन्दगी को दर्द में डूबे तराने दे दिए।
हसरतों के, आरजूओं के खजाने दे दिए,
ये नवाज़िश है तेरी क्या क्या दिया
शुक्रिया ए प्यार तेरा शुक्रिया,

I am Glad..... for the emptyness I have, so that I can enjoy each emotion in its completeness.

Its morning again

O Mind,

Please be calm.

The stars have just faded out.

The night is just being over.

The sun is arriving slowly.

The day has just arrived.

The sky is changing

from dark to bright

O Mind

Please be calm.

Its morning again.

Surrender

My possessiveness is raising its head once again. And the feeling itself is getting on my head. My arteries can feel the rush of possessiveness rich blood rushing out of my heart, and the pressure is more it can handle. The blue veins seem to be swollen with the feeling of 'mine' and feel like bursting out. The eyes are getting blurry, and the thin lines between self esteem and ego seems to vanish into thin air.

Once again, I can feel that the world belongs to me, and just me. My hands are up to grab more than they can handle, and my mind is blinded with so much of egocentricity.

I feel like the center of the universe and everything is spinning around me, on my whims and fancies. I sit in the middle and everyone seems to move around me.

Soon, I reach a mental belief that I can change the world, and everything around me.
Let me try myself, once again in life.

I raise a hand and try to move a small needle kept nearby.

It does not move. At all.

I try again.

Nothing.

I feel angry, push the needle, and ... nothing again. I use both my hands to move it, failing again. I increase my effort, push it with all my force, without being able to move it even a micron.
I scorn, I swear, I cry, and I beg, but the needle refuses to budge.

I decide to wake up.... to my small self. To my nothingness.

God .. I surrender to you. Do, what you can do with me. Put me to the best use you can.

MoonFlower - A Fantasy

Here is my vision of the MoonFlower. Just a graphic i made today...

We are who we are...

The last shots of MIB II had these words... they keep coming back to me.. It is when K tells Laura to leave and tells her her identity, and why she must leave.


When you get sad, it rains.

Lots of people get sad when it rains.

It rains because you're sad, baby

It's not fair

Never is

We are who we are...

------------

The 3AM afternote...

I am finding very difficult to handle this uncertainity after everything seemed so certain.

Sometimes, listening to the mind is such a mindless activity.

I just looked out of the window and the sun is still nowhere around. The darkness, filled with starless vaccum is gazing on my face.

Far somewhere, the moon would be sitting equilly restless.

Maybe I would try to catch some sleep again.

Looks like... I will never change; and yet, never be the same again.

We are who we are...

Living the intoxication - for now

My thoughts are setting my half closed eyes into a mood from the subconcious. The practicality of life is getting blurred as the intoxicated sleep is taking me over to half cooked dreams. It feels like floating effortlessly on the ganga, in a white sheet.

No activity, no effort, but very alive to the core. Just floating to my destination, or should I call my destiny, my calling, or just my dreams.

It is like stepping into the crossover mirror of time and space, where the subcouncious mind takes over the concious mind, and I let myself be myself, for sometime atleast.

Few lines, from Madhushala, humming in the back of my mind -

आज सजीव बना लो, प्रेयसी, अपने अधरों का प्याला,
भर लो, भर लो, भर लो इसमें, यौवन मधुरस की हाला,

और लगा मेरे होठों से भूल हटाना तुम जाओ,
अथक बनू मैं पीनेवाला, खुले प्रणय की मधुशाला

Furthermore....

सुमुखी तुम्हारा, सुन्दर मुख ही, मुझको कन्चन का प्याला
छलक रही है जिसमंे माणिक रूप मधुर मादक हाला,

मैं ही साकी बनता, मैं ही पीने वाला बनता हूँ
जहाँ कहीं मिल बैठे हम तुम़ वहीं गयी हो मधुशाला

Intoxication unlimted makes the world looks drunk all around. And why do I hold myself back. I have to hold myself back, and have so many reasons to it. There is a real world too, that has a slot for me. Something like a drawer where I sleep, wake up, live and be what I am supposed to be.

Moreover there are other reasons. It looks like I am becoming an irritant factor to many a people. My actions, though seem ok to me, do bore others, and they do ask me silently - Hey, why the hell you can't be normal.

I simply smile and let the questioning silence pass.

The irritation I set into others, will eventually make people get bored of me. And then, I would tell myself in a complaining tone....

दो दिन ही मधु मुझे पिलाकर ऊब उठी साकीबाला,
भरकर अब खिसका देती है वह मेरे आगे प्याला,

नाज़, अदा, अंदाजों से अब, हाय पिलाना दूर हुआ,
अब तो कर देती है केवल फ़र्ज़ -अदाई मधुशाला

But it is all due to my mind, as it is all in my mind. The mind is the most powerful of all the forces, and when it is intoxicated, it sees just what it wants to see.

I am enjoying my intoxication, as of now. When I wake up soon, I would surely have a hangover, and then, I guess all would be ok. I would tell myself that i have got more than what my destiny had.

लिखी भाग्य में जितनी बस उतनी ही पाएगा हाला,
लिखा भाग्य में जैसा बस वैसा ही पाएगा प्याला,

लाख पटक तू हाथ पाँव, पर इससे कब कुछ होने का,
लिखी भाग्य में जो तेरे बस वही मिलेगी मधुशाला।

And then, sometime when I am able to complete my job, my work, my projects, ......

यम आयेगा साकी बनकर साथ लिए काली हाला,
पी न होश में फिर आएगा सुरा-विसुध यह मतवाला,

यह अंितम बेहोशी, अंतिम साकी,अंतिम प्याला है,
पथिक, प्यार से पीना इसको फिर न मिलेगी मधुशाला


So, I am looking forward to the last of the best times of my life.

And after that .. Life starts once again.... I know what I want is not for me, the way I wanted it.. So its ok ..

I would never want to ruin anyone else's happiness. Even if it is in the future.

नहीं चाहता, आगे बढ़कर छीनूँ औरों की हाला,
नहीं चाहता, धक्के देकर, छीनूँ औरों का प्याला,

साकी, मेरी ओर न देखो मुझको तिनक मलाल नहीं,
इतना ही क्या कम आँखों से देख रहा हूँ मधुशाला।

What I have, is ok for me.

What I get is more than I deserve.

What I do not get, was never meant to be.

Just want to keep the dream in my eyes, till they get closed.

Flowing with the Go.

I was reading this small story on the net somewhere today, and felt like sharing it.
---
A Taoist story tells of an old man who fell into the river rapids leading to a high and dangerous waterfall. Onlookers feared for his life. Miraculously, he came out alive and unharmed downstream at the bottom of the falls.

People asked him how he managed to survive. "I accommodated myself to the water, not the water to me. Without thinking, I allowed myself to be shaped by it. Plunging into the swirl, I came out with the swirl. This is how I survived."
--
I do not know if I have to feel inspired from it, or take comfort, or feel down; but I can surely relate it to my experiences. Whenever I have submitted myself to the circumstances, I have survived. In my most difficult months in the recent past, I allowed myself to be shaped by the circumstances.

Though there were times when I fought the waves, spending my energy on meaningless strokes, or waiving at boats passing by to rescue me, but slowly it dawned on me that let me go with the flow. I submitted myself to the most heavenly wave of time, closing my eyes and tuned my mind to become a reflection of the tides.

As a result, I can see myself reaching the shore, where the river will keep me on the shore. It has been the most eventful journey of my life, and I am glad I had decided to take the plunge. I am going through some of the most anxious days of my life, and hope to reach the shore safely.
Acceptance of the facts of my own psyche has often made me feel calmer.
Just waiting to reach my shore soon..

Till now, I was going with the flow. And now .. I am flowing with the Go.

Musical Afternoons

Right from Kailasa, I picked up these lined today, touching me once again, with the devotion of a love filled soul.

तुझमे मुझमे कोई फर्क नहीं,
जब तू है तो फिर मैं कैसी,

There is just no difference between us. And when you are there, I do not need an individual identity. My identity is a part of you. I am a part of you.

तेरी सूरत रब दी सूरत है,
कोई सूरत नहीं तेरे जैसी।

You are yourself the face of god for me. There is just no other fce like that.

बस पार ना पाया तेरा,
अलबेला साजन मेरा।

Just that, I could not get through you, my unique beloved.

Good Morning

Lemonade - with a pinch of salt.

Someone used to say - If life gives you lemons, make lemonades out of it.

I did try it, and now I wonder, what do i do with all this lemonade. Bottle it, preserve it, store it, and take a glass of it whenever I am thirsty. So much stock of lemonade, god, it would last a lifetime I guess.

जब जिस वक़्त किसी का, यार जुदा होता है,
कुछ ने पूछों यारों दिल का, हाल बुरा होता है,

दिल पे यादों के जैसे, तीर चलते हें,

दिए जलते हें, फूल खिलते हें,
बड़ी मुश्किल से मगर ,
दुनिया मैं दोस्त मिलते हें।

The voice of kishore kumar, and the music of R.D. seems to go deep through the ears and touch the heart. Walking with kishore kumar in my earphones has always made me feel the reflections of so many emotions at the same time. Yet, each time, it is something that reflects the present. Nowhere, none of the songs looks like a song from the past. They are like my daily bread that i fill myself with.

Rightnow, the song which is playing is from a movie called anurodh.

यारों का गम क्या होता है, मालुम ना था अनजाने को,
साहिल पे खडे हो कर हमने देखा अक्सर तूफानों को,
अबके शायद हम भी डूबें, मौजों के सफीने मैं।

Guess I had never known the pain of my friends, as I always saw the tempests standing from the shores. But this time, maybe I would drown too, in an array of tides.

जब दर्द नहीं था सीने मे, तब ख़ाक मज़ा था जीने मे।

---

The next song started in the meantime, one of my favourites, since many many years. I can hear my mind applauding to the sheer genius of kishore kumar, when he sung this one. Anyone who has ever heard this song can feel the sting in it.

मेरे महबूब, क़यामत होगी, ...........

There is nothing that can be said about this one. Just humm the words in the heart and feel the song get down the gut. It is like taking life with a pinch of salt.

Adding salt to the lemonade was never so much of fun।

--

And now, something i remember from Gulzaar

Shaam se aankh mein nami si hai,
aaj phir aap ki kami si hai

Koi rishtaa nahin raha lekin,
Ek taslim laazmi si hai.

--

Shabba-a-khair

The DIY Guide to Meditation – The starting point of Self Help.

Meditation, to reduce mental stress, is what i relearned recently.

For my own guidance, I am making this simple step by step guide to start meditation. If it helps others, I shall be glad. The simplest form of meditation is breathing meditation. This can be done in the most common circumstances, and most people can do it. By most people, I mean most who want to be at peace. I have known that some of us just do not want to have peace. They like to be in the web of mess themselves. I have been that way myself and it is one stage when we just do not want to help ourselves. So, whenever , even for a minute, if you get a feeling that you want to remove the stress, try to start a daily 15 minute meditation process as a routine, and a 5 to 10 minute as an instant relaxant.


To start with, we need to make our mind clear. This can be done by simple breathing method.
Sit in an easy and comfortable position, preferably cross legged, but a chair is not a bad idea too. It is important to keep the back straight as this is will help our mind to be alert and not get sleepy.


Close the eyes, not too tightly, and pay attention to your breath. Use your nose for breathing, instead of mouth. Try to be aware of your breath. Feel it enter your nose and leaves your nose. This sensation is the key to breathing meditation and try to concentrate on it. Try to focus on the sensation of breath and leave other thoughts behind.


Initially, the mind will feel busier with thoughts of all sorts, not leaving the mind. It will get crowded with all sorts of thoughts. Actually, this is not happening. Our mind is only becoming aware of its own state, so as how many thoughts do we have up there.


A temptation will arise to follow the various thoughts that arise in the mind at this time. Resist the temptation and focus on the sensation of the breath again. The moment you feel that the mind is wandering in thoughts, bring it back to the breathing sensation, in the nose. This will initially take many attempts, but with time, the practice will build the meditation strength.
Gradually, you will see that the distracting thoughts will start fading off. Your mind will start to settle on the breath. Here, the peace begins to spread itself inside us. As per the most common example, this is the state when the mud begins to settle, and water becomes lucid and clear. Try to retain this mental calm for sometime, say 15 to 30 minutes to start with.


Our mind will become clearer and and our breath will regulate out thoughts. This seems easy and simple, but is a very powerful method, to start with. Meditations not just an exercise, it is a medicine for stressed minds.

You shall see that your thoughts will automatically get properly arranged after you meditate and practice it for a while.


Try it out. Fifteen minutes a day is not a big thing to give that came make you relax for so many hours to come.

I Do....

Do i Miss it?

गली के मोड़ पे , सूना सा कोई दरवाजा
तरसती आंखो से , रास्ता किसी का देखेगा
निगाह दूर तलक , जा के लॉट आयेगी

करोगे याद तो , हर बात याद आयेगी
गुजरते वक़्त की , हर मौज ठहर जायेगी

-----------

This may just be a passing thought like always, but it does come quite often to me।

-

वो दिल ही क्या तेरे मिलने कि जो दुआ ना करे,
मैं तुझको भूल के जिंदा रहूँ, खुदा ना करे।

रहेगा साथ तेरा प्यार जिन्दगी बन कर,
ये और बात मेरी जिन्दगी वफ़ा ना करे ।

सरे राह चलते चलते - Met someone in the way ...

There is a lot that I could never say. And then someone said it all.

जो कही गयी ना मुझसे,
वो ज़माना कह रह है ।

के फ़साना बन गयी है,
मेरी बात चलते चलते ।

What I could never say, the world is saying it all today.
It has become a story, what was a simple thing i wanted to say.

शब्-ए-इंतज़ार आख़िर,
कभी होगी मुक्त्सर भी,

ये चराग बुझ रहे हें,
मेरे साथ जलते जलते।

When will this night of eternal wait become smaller,
The candles are are getting dimmer, burning all night with me.

यून्हीं कोई मिल गया था, सरे राह चलते चलते,
वहीँ थम के रह गयी है, मेरी रात ढलते ढलते।